mixed emotions..

Right now I’m having some mixed emotions. I’m pissed off and angry yet sad and confused and a whole bunch of other stuff all at the same time. I got a letter in the mail today about my case for child support. The thing is I don’t want it. I just want full custody, but then my case worker made me feel bad about it. Since I’m young and my daughter’s still young and how 18 years is a long time and it’s his responsibility to pay and all that. But I don’t want him having any rights and I know that’s selfish of me, but I just don’t want him in my life. SRS did find him though and he wanted the paternity test since they’re going after him for at least the medical part of it since I’m on medicaid. And he told them that I was engaged and my fiance was going to adopt. Well I’m not with anyone anymore and so therefore I’m not engaged to anyone. I just want to find a full time job that’ll give me insurance so I can get off medicaid and so I can support myself and my daughter and I won’t have to deal with all this crap. I’m afraid that if he does end up paying the child support that he’ll want visitation rights and stuff since he’s paying and I don’t that to happen. I just don’t know what to do. I’m soo confused about everything. And then there’s the small chance that he’s not the dad. I’m wanting him to be so that way I don’t have to get that disappointing look from my parents that I got when I told them I was pregnant in the first place. But while we were together something happened and I never told anyone about it. I was hanging out with some friends and we met these guys at a bar (yeah I know not the best place to meet people). I’m not exactly sure if I was raped, but I really didn’t want to do anything with him. I felt kind of forced and guilted into it. I felt like crap afterwards though and I was so ashamed that I never told anyone. So I just pretended like it never happened and just kind of forgot about it (or tried to anyways. I mean obviously I haven’t forgotten about it, but I acted as if it never happened and I kinda forgot about it for awhile). So there’s that slight chance that he’s not the father and I don’t know what I’ll do if he’s not. I don’t want to have to explain to everyone what happened. I just want this whole thing to be over with. I’m both looking forward to the paternity testing and yet  dreading it at the same time.