::Polyphemus
Oh, you might as well have a drink of this, I say, handing you a brown glass bottle of something very potent. Pass it around; I see everyone’s here for this one. Ears all perked forward and eyebrows raised.
I’m a drama queen about it, stalling for time. My hair is greasy and my breath is bad. I’m waxy in the cheek and not altogether firm of step. Wearing my leathers indoors. Grinding a palm over the ragged remains of my winter beard. Coughing and wincing when the bottle comes back to me — quite unusual. My hand shakes a bit as I pass it on. This infirmity, too, shall pass. Pay it no mind. Just another plague. Nothing to worry yourselves over.
Kind of you to come. I said a magic word last time that had brows raising and much O RLY? spoken among my noters. It wasn’t terrorists or gaymarriage or gunsgunsguns. I mentioned offhandedly the word poly. Which has been quietly residing in the Interests to the left of the screen for (literally) years, but I’ll forgive you the surprise. The raising of fingers to the lips. "Oh, so it’s like that."
So let’s clarify. The short version: I’m poly like some of you are Catholic. Lip service and yeah-buts. And not much actual practice.
The more rambly version, I’ve now deleted and started over four times. It’s a chaotic thing. I’m not surprised that I’m having trouble locating the start button. So what you get is what you get: that we are nominally poly. That — theoretically — we’d like to date another person or couple or triad or whatever, and have it all work out, Stranger in a Strange Land style. Bring some adventure and excitement into our lives. Fill in the gaps of things we miss with just the two of us. Expand the family unit, if it gets serious enough.
That almost happened. There was a longtime friend I was sweet on. She came to visit, and she and K got along famously. Permission was given; naked things happened. Nobody exploded or cried or stressed out. But this wonderful friend of mine was a free spirit…. moved to California to chase down a career and live in a larger, way more interesting and openminded community of polyamorists. In comparison, I think we were sort of staid and boring. We offered Midwestern roots and weekly D&D games and security … and they offered sweet Cali and orgies and adventure. And I’m not bitter about her choice. But I haven’t heard from her since August. So I guess that’s over. I miss her.
And the truth of the matter is that, even were I single, I’d have a hard time getting a date. And this is exacerbated by the fact that – to make it work – I have to not only find someone who is willing to date me…. but someone who is willing to date an "us". Basically someone who already identifies as poly. And is willing to work around work schedule and baby schedule and this and that and what the fuck.
Not happening, bro.
So… I’m a member, non-practicing. Though I would dearly, dearly like to have a commune or a harem or whatever you call a clutch of happy, complicated polyamorists. I crave the thrill of something new.
And it’s ok if you don’t understand or sympathize or identify that way. Keep drinking, it’ll make more sense. There is just more room in here, is all. I am not wired in such a way that I have to stop loving my wife in order to also love someone else. And that’s okay in my book. And, apparently, in hers.
What about you? Staunchly monogamist? Otherwise-ist? Tell me about it. Tell me what you think.
And pass that bottle back, and it had best not be empty.
I’ve been saying since I was 17, life would be so much more simple if I could have a harem; True story.
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Poly. But like you, we’re dealing with a young kid and jobs … we don’t have time to date. Especially because, like you, we’re a package deal. I’m not interested in an open marriage – my first marital go-around showed me that. So unless an amazing poly woman interested in a triad crosses our path, we’ll likely be monogamous until the kid is older and we have more time.
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*takes a swig* Thanks for offering me a drink! But yeah, I don’t see anything wrong with poly as long as each party understands what’s up. You have to be upfront about that stuff if you really want to get things moving along smoothly. No drama, no mess, no fuss. That kind of thing. I think issues arise when couples claim to want to dominate the world together, emphasis on together, and then decideto have little wild n crazy fun, like a threesome, and then once it’s all said and done somebody decides that they didn’t quite clarify what they actually wanted and needed… and then it’s all drama, mess, and fuss, because nobody was actually serious about the wild n crazy, they just really wanted to see how far they could get without fully crossing the line. I think I could get down with it, but of course it would depend on the people involved. I don’t actually think that I mind sharing. I think the only time I would mind sharing is if my partner put limitations/rules on me that they didn’t necessarily have to follow themselves. Then again, having ONE partner is quite enough of a mindfuck for me. I don’t know how I could handle TWO or THREE, you know? Expectations m
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That end part was supposed to say that expectations wig me out. Silly OD, cutting me off!
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What makes you think you’d have a hard time getting a date?
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Yeah, what that person said up there. One is enough, haha. I’m just happy to have kept ONE for this long. I have been a lot more sexually.. experimental? in the past, but, I think for the most part I’m over it. Old and boring now, and it suites me. But keep your mind open, it could happen and work out for you. Never know.
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I have used the collective noun “polygon” (I’m sorry). The group I’m closest with refers to themselves as a pod. I can see the extremely obvious social and economic benefits – particularly once you add kids – but I’m not sure I’m emotionally wired to make it work. Too selfish, not compersive enough.
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That’s one thing I miss about Cali, the diversity. I am a strictly monogamous person, and I already combat enough jealousy. Are you in NorCal or SoCal?
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RYN – Oh, man, it’s like I’m making love to my phone in EVERY picture! What a camera whore sleaze bag! Oh, man, that cracked me up. I should do this more often, and then next time try to not look at my phone at all. It’s like, when you’re a girl and you try to put on mascara with your mouth closed. It’s a nearly impossible task, I’m telling you! My mouth always hangs open with my tongue out like adopey dog in the wind!
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I think it’s great in theory, and there would be obvious advantages…but I think my The Crazy would morph into The Jealous, and in the long run, I might not do so well. With other women, I mean; I think I could do okay dating more than one dude. But. I’d still want to live alone. I think. I don’t know. Hard to tell without bearing actual personalities in mind.
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RYN: Why you sigh at me, sir?
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I dunno. I can honestly say that I’ve thought about it and basically been given permission to explore other prospects, but I simply lack the desire to. My husband has been enough for me, so far. I completely respect the poly lifestyle. 🙂
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I’m a little with Brainstew up there…I’ve had dozens of friends who’ve run the drama gamut because a partner claimed to want to swing or date other couples or have a threesome or what have you, but in the end, the emotions got in the way. I think a lot of people are willing to experiment but until you actually participate in something like that, you probably aren’t going to know how you’ll react, so telling your partner you’re “okay” with it is not just a lie, it’s a self-delusional lie. Other than the emotional/drama thing, I don’t see anything wrong with it. I personally, am not wired that way, but if someone else is then I got no beef. Most of the swingers I met in Cali were a pretty cool bunch. Just as normal as anyone else. Would have been nice to know that first party WAS a swinger party but I cottoned on fairly quickly. 🙂
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