::Diversion

So I griped a while back, about parenthood.  I was pretty bitter at the time, and I think I scared one of my favorites off the idea altogether.  I feel kind of bad about that.  So here’s my thoughts, a little more well-thought, I suppose.

Pregnancy:  Eh, not really my place to talk about this.  From observation, I can say that it’s long enough for you to get used to the idea of being a parent.  Also long enough for you to really get tired of being pregnant.  If you haven’t been around babies much, take a couple classes at whatever hospital you’re planning to birth at.  It was super helpful for us (neither of us knew how to change a diaper….).

Diapers:  Totally not a thing.  This came as a surprise; I can barely stand to change the catbox.  But get this, babies have training wheels.  While they are itty-bitty and only drinking milk, their poo is pretty darn inoffensive.  Like, really REALLY not a big deal.  This gives even the squeamish a chance to get used to it, get a good routine down.  It gets kind of funky later, but I did learn one important thing in the last year — everything a baby excretes, washes off.  So there ya go.  I will add one tidbit about diapering, though — sooner or later you will face the nuclear holocaust of diapers.  The Great Flood of poo.  It will get everywhere.  It will be gross.  Run a bath, THEN unwrap the kid from the soiled garments and go from there.  You will get your hands dirty.  It is not that big a deal.

The Itty-bitty:  When you first bring a baby home, all it really knows how to do is scream, poo, and suck down milk.  It wants to be held pretty much all the time.  Somehow this is all an awesome thing.  You gotta realize that at this stage, he’s screaming just like you would be if you were ripped out of your body and plunged into an alien dimension where it was cold and your eyes didn’t work and you couldn’t move right and nothing works like you remember.  The baby has to learn how to see across the room, how to smile at you, how to grab a bottle when you offer it.  This learning is really awe-inspiring to watch, if you remember not to take the screaming personally.  It’s the only communication skill he is born with.  The rest, you have to teach him.  Start with teaching him that hugs = comfort.  It goes a long way, later.

Not-so-itty-bitty:  The great thing about an itty-bitty baby is that when you need to put him down somewhere, that’s where you’ll find him when you step back into the room.  Oh, how that all changes.  Crawling is both fun and frustrating.  If you haven’t baby-proofed by now, you had best get it done.  This is also the development stage where you really start communicating, teaching him tricks, him trying to please you with smiles and little baby games and cooing and babbling.  This stage rocks in a lot of ways.

Toddling:  Well, shit, I hope you got your ration of cuddling – because this little dude has stuff to do.  Which is ALSO fun to watch, but hard to deal with at first.  You’re used to holding him all the time and cuddling him to sleep every night.  Now he won’t have it, except on his terms.  You have to back off and let him explore – and not flip out too hard when he tips over the trash can or pulls every pot and pan out of the cabinet.  Oh, and he still needs you in the room interacting with him at all times.  He wants you to throw the ball, or clap your hands, or stack blocks for him to knock down.  SUPER interactive.  The real downside here is that this might be just as attention-intensive as the itty-bitty stage.  His ‘playing alone’ attention span is maybe five minutes, so get used to reading books in one-page spurts….  Words are coming at this stage, sometimes pretty cool ones.  He’s learned to give high-fives and hugs and kisses, and he loves his ma-maa and his dee-da.  On the other hand, he’s also learned the concept of ‘mine’ and ‘more’ and goes from zero to screaming in about two seconds when he doesn’t get his way.  This is normal, and the smart thing to do is not take it personally.  All toddlers are, by nature, selfish little shitheads.  He’s learned ‘mine’ but not ‘ours’.  Still doesn’t have a sense of right or wrong or social structure.  Accept that for every kick-ass moment where he shows how much he cares about you, there’s going to be another moment where he flips his shit in two seconds flat because you wouldn’t give him any of your breakfast.  

The best way to think of it:  owning a baby is kind of like having an adorable, drunken little old man in your house.  He drinks everything you give him and proclaims he loves you, then falls over in a heap.  Throws a random object, giggles at nothing.  Drinks some more, starts screaming.  Shits himself and falls asleep.  Manages to be cute through the whole process.  Rinse, repeat.

The Grind:  I referred to the ‘parenthood grind’ because, well, fuck — we’re missing any kind of a support structure.  Neither of us have family within 90 minutes’ drive.  We don’t know our neighbors very well.  None of our friends have kids.  We don’t know anyone to babysit.  So we have nobody to give us a fucking break once in a while and let us remember what it’s like to be adults.  Because it IS a grind.  It’s an impediment, kind of a speed bump.  An anchor.  It’s every minute of your day.  That free time where you used to play video games or go to movies or read books or have sex?  Yeah, about that.  I really think it’s the only reason babies sleep 12 hours or more a day — because when he is asleep, that is the ONLY time you are going to get to yourself.  Get used to it.  I’ve still not got my mind wrapped around it and it makes me crazy.

We used to go out with friends three or four nights a week – but baby is on a schedule, needs fed and changed and played with and nurtured and washed and put to bed.  And so we’re stuck at home, and we lose touch.  Because our single friends have better shit to do than sit on our couch and watch us babble at the cute little drunkard (sans bonding time, they don’t find him so cute).  So it’s been hard on us both, grinding us down to nubs.  You got someone in town that can watch yours once or twice a week?  Then you are ahead of the game and you’re going to have it easier than us.  Because, seriously, I love my son – but I cannot wait until he is old enough to tell me he’s hungry instead of suddenly firing up the air raid siren.  Or maybe to sit down with a coloring book and do his thing for a little bit and let daddy unwind from work.

Anyway, the TL;DR version:  kids are actually a whole lot of awesome, wrapped up in a lot of work.  Get as much help as you can, as early as you can, and block out sanity time — if you can.