::Purchase

What have I bought? How have I paid? For I have received a great deal of change.

I’m still stumbling through mornings and struggling to stay asleep while it’s dark. Some part of me still thinks I need to be out on the tarmac, wailing orders into the night and making a hundred tons MOVE! beneath the spears of winter.

I have strange dreams, too. I dreamed last night of an old friend who I haven’t seen much of in the last few years. One of the most platonic friends I’ve ever had. And of course, in the dream, she was desperate to seduce me. Even in the dream, I was confused. “What’s all this about, then?”

Change, I guess.

I sold my 3am wars for rush hour, traded my sunrise at Denny’s for a lunch hour at the deli, exchanged my angst for what I hope is destiny. A strong foundation, a future.

My body passed the test, the last five years; now it’s my mind and spirit. This new job, well, I get evaluated after six months. I traded my rut for a chance to make my mark or flame out wildly. That’s exciting, and also somehow shocking. I’ve never been in an environment like this.

And such an environment it is! I traded order for chaos. The night job had every minute structured, every word a purpose, every blank filled out just so. The day job is “an entrepreneurial position.” I said, “Why don’t you use a ticketing system for this?” and was raised on shoulders like a little tiki god.

And put on a pedestal to make this ticketing system MOVE!

Maybe it’s not so different, after all. That could explain why I’m not afraid. I’m just flailing, trying to form the right habits, in case this is the deep end. But at least the water is warm.