the day I got frass

Setting up my new home on the canal (I love it!) and unpacking my boxes from storage, I recently came across my cool painting from Bali, which reminded me of what happened the last time I returned to Australia, from South Korea:

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Apparently I’m a bad-frass mama. A true story. As it happened..
I’m walking confidently to the next available quarantine/customs officer at the Brisbane International Airport. I’m feeling tired from the flight, but oh so glad to be home after a year living in Korea!
I knew I was home, as soon as the quarantine officer spoke, in a very broad Aussie accent (or ‘Strayan’.)
"G’day love, anything to declare?"
I waited for her to just smile and give me a vegemite sandwich.
I hand over the two paintings I bought during my two-day stopover in Bali. I bought them not only because I loved the colours in the paintings, but because of the matching bamboo frames, which were quite substantial and bloody heavy. I put them on the counter. The quarantine officer examines the first one. She clears it. Hooray. Honesty is the best policy. I get to keep it. (Just don’t find the wooden chess set hidden in my panties.) (in my suitcase! The panties in my suitcase.)
As she examines the second frame, we run into a spot of trouble.
"Borers," she says accusingly. (Like I bred them specially to be impregnated into my super cool bamboo Bali paintings.)
"Are you sure?" I ask. "Could I have a second opinion?"
She shows me the fine sawdust coming out of the little holes in the bamboo. "There. You’ve got frass."
"Frass?" I ask in horror.
She calls a senior officer over.
"What do you think, Bazza? Not good?" I think she likes him.
Bazza shakes his head in my direction. I sense the pity.
I swallow and say quietly, "Give it to me straight, Baz. I’ve got frass, haven’t I?"
He nods. "Yes. You’ve got frass. I’m sorry. You’re going to have to lose the frame. Sorry."
I take a moment to let it sink in.
Then I realise it could have been worse. I smile at Bazza and the woman who didn’t give me the vegemite sandwich. "So I went to Bali and came back with frass. Well, I guess I could have come back from Bali with worse things than frass!"
They laugh and agree with me, and confiscate my frass-ridden bamboo frame.
Bad-frass mama indeed.

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April 26, 2006

You rock.