which circle?

I want a part time job that gets me out of the house three nights a week after 7pm and one weekend day.  This way I will make some money for the family but not have to put Molly in daycare.   I could apply for 2000 places I’m sure are hiring right now, but for some reason I’m putting it off. I have no idea why.  Do I want to work? Not really. Do I NEED to work? Not really.  I think this whole thing is more about proving I can do it. I can work part time, care for the baby and the house and take care of 1000 other little things. And I’m not even trying to prove it to M or my family or his family. I’m just trying to prove it to myself.  So why am I procrastinating? Because what if I can’t? I’ll feel like a failure. 

It is an ugly circle I’m stuck in.   And I’m also hungry.