The Lamest Songs of The Decade

Well with the 2000s drawing to a close, I think it’s appropriate to take a few moments to recognize those songs that exemplified the general lameness of the decade.  We need to appreciate those unforgettable numbers that put us into a three minute coma whether we heard them in the supermarket, the dentist’s office, or in promos for equally lame tv shows.

Now before I begin, I’d like to qualify what I mean by "lame." I don’t mean songs like "Hollaback Girl", which would be better described as "cloying" or "obnoxious." Nor do I refer to tunes such as "How You Remind Me" which would better be upheld for as an example of sheer, generic horribleness. No, what I mean is boring, boring music. While artists like the White Stripes want to kick your ass into your balls, these cats write music for steeping a cup of chamomille tea, putting on a cozy sweater and sitting quietly on the couch to watch Touched By an Angel.

Also, while these songs are all exceptional in their lameness, I’m not ranking them. As far as I’m concerned, they’re all equally wussy:

John Mayer – Waiting On The World To Change

Obviously it’s tough to pick a single John Mayer song. The 2000s didn’t have any single artist who was so consistently bland yet visible. Most of Mayer’s contemporaries had the decency to fuck off after inundating the public with weak, cozy pap. He truly is the Sting of our generation, and "Waiting On The World To Change" is his "If I Ever Lose My Faith in You." It’s a classic of banal pseudo-insight, stewing in a tepid bath of unthreatening production watered down to make sure not a single instrument gives the listener any bad vibes.

I also have to point that while perusing the wikipedia article of the song, I came upon this absolutely delicious bit:

In a Rolling Stone interview, Mayer recalled that after former Columbia Records head, Don Ienner, panned the first incarnation of Continuum [the album the song comes from], Mayer was brought to tears and briefly considered quitting music and studying design full time.

BROUGHT TO TEARS people. If that isn’t rock star behavior I don’t know what is. Personally though, I’m disappointed in Mr. Ienner for not driving Mayer off the radio forever. Maybe if he had slapped Mayer and called him a no-talent nancy. But there I go with my hopeless fantasies again.

Daniel Powter – Bad Day

Buck up you spoiled, solipsistic lame-os! We’ve all been there. We’ve missed the bus, had to deal with Splenda shortages in the break room and had to deal with Kathy from HR giggling about the size of our tummies. Just realize, it’s not the end of the world. You’ll get through it! Just hang in there, and you’ll be back to your comfortable mediocrity before you know it!

Jack Johnson – Hope

Most of Jack Johnson’s catalogue is full of smug, laid-back, feel-good bullshit like this, but this one got more radio play than the others as far as I can recall. In addition to basically refitting John Mayer’s phony, whitebread soulless "soulfulness" for beach houses instead of coffee houses, am I the only one who thinks this song is creepy as hell? I better hope I’m not alone? Is this guy a fucking serial killer? It’s always the ones you least suspect. I guess that’s what happens when anyone harshes Jack Johnson’s mellow.

Plain White T’s – Hey There Delilah

Has there ever been a band as appropriately named as The Plain White T’s? This song is the audio equivalent of all of those sickening, baby-talking couples that drive all of us into a seething rage. Sure, the T’s are ostensibly an emo band, but with this one, they soft-rock with the best of them.

How To Save a Life – The Fray

I like that singer Isaac Slade thinks that if he had just stayed up with this person he could have saved them. What does he know? He probably would have whipped out this tune on piano, driving the luckless bastard to jump that much sooner. And sure, maybe it sucks that he didn’t and had a hit song about his ineffectualness while that guy is still gone, but at least he doesn’t have to hear it.

And that’s all I can do for now. Literally, I couldn’t stop myself from yawning writing this thing, even though there are still a few horrible songs out there I forgot to mention (James Blunt’s "You’re Beautiful", par example).  Sorry for inflicting all of this boring shit on you all. Here’s some Japanese Rock to wake you up:

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