Deck The Halls

Scene: Our hero, Justlikeheathen, is at JC Penney’s, searching in vain to find Christmas Presents, after getting stuck behind a trio of teenage nitwits, he is approached by a Sales Rep.

SR: Hello, Happy Holidays, is there anything I can help you find?

JLH: Yes, as a matter of fact there is.

SR: Super! What is it?

JLH: I’d like a gun please.

SR: I’m not sure we carry guns at this location sir.

JLH: Oh I don’t want to pay for one, I just need you to help me find one.

SR: Sir?

JLH: I’m fed up Stan.

SR: My name is Mark actually, I have a name tag.

JLH: I’ve been here 20 minutes and already I can’t take it Stan. The alarms going off everywhere, the crying children every four minutes, old ladies in the food court having their sweet and sour chicken cut up for them, that fucking Paul McCartney song. I don’t have the strength to walk back to my car. I want a gun, please.

SR: We don’t have any guns anywhere on the premesis sir. Even the Rent-A-Cops only have tasers.

JLH: So what happens when the Zombies come?

SR: The what?

JLH: Never mind, if you don’t know now it’s no good telling you. Alright, no gun, do you carry any poison?

SR: No sir.

JLH: Not even your cosmetics?

SR (thinking): No, you’d probably just throw those up.

JLH: God, you’re right. And I can’t embarrass myself, not in front of these things. It’s settled then. Stan, or do you prefer Stanley?

SR: It’s Mark.

JLH: Stanley, I need you to strangle me to death.

SR: Sir, I think you have a problem.

JLH (breaking into tears): I do! Oh please help me Stanley.

SR: Sir, I think what you need is a Van Heusen Jacquard Polo.

JLH: Why?

SR: Because it looks sharp, perfect for your more casual times.

JLH: I *sniff* I like my casual times.

SR: How would you like to enjoy your casual times in style?

JLH: I…I would very much like that.

SR: That’s the spirit sir.

 

Happy Holidays!