All that i am, all that I ever was.

I failed again.

I don’t know what it is that convinced me to read my back-dated entries. but i did. From the beginning. And I got to my entry about new beginnings and positive risks, and I started to cry. Because I fucking failed. Again.

And My new era lasted for a while. it really did. And then Hamish happened because I’m a whore and I guess maybe I just have this thing where I need to feel wanted. I really do. And I remember after that happened that I really was going to make an effort. no more boys, no more skipping school, none of that. And then I look back on the last month and a half and i think, jesus, am I retarded? Or do i seriously just not have the ability to stick to my own decisions?

The Shane thing got as far as it did because of me. I allowed it to happen and then tried to pretend it wasn’t my fault, but it was. it was entirely my fault because I led him on. And I knew with every step i took that things would escalate to the point that they did, and i didn’t care. i didn’t care that he got hurt. Because in the end I was only looking out for myself. And I did it because it made me feel better. like I wasn’t just some.. thing. That people can really like me. And then it got to a point where every step I took was judged by Alex. And I could see that he knew. he’d figured out what i was doing. So I was nasty and really did cut things off, and he got really hurt.

And I skipped school even more after I made those rules than I did before I made them. Part of it was just because I hated the people there. part of it was laziness. and part of it was that it made me feel more in control. Like I could choose when and where i went, and what i did.

And then the JD thing happened. And I’m still not sure if anything I’ve done up to this point in regards to JD was a good idea. it started with Shane introducing us, so obviously from the very beginning anything i did was hurting Shane. especially after Shane came out and told me he might have feelings for JD. And I;m a bitch and i;m not sure why i did it, but after Shane was so nasty right back.. I told JD. And he doesn’t believe me, thank God. but why would i do something so nasty? And I liked JD even from that Red Bull day, and the texting and even though i shouldn’t have, using of John just because he was there and wanted to be my friend.

And right now I’m not even sure if anything I;m writing makes any sense to someone who isn’t me, because my brain knows what it’s all about so i understand, and oh. And JD is another broken rule. With the ‘no more boys until after exams rule’. And in some respects, it’s a good thing. because he got angry at me for skipping school and convinced me to study hard and do work and helped me with things. And then on the other hand when he has his bad days I feel like shit. Especially with the incest map.

Josh has strong morals. Morals which he himself upholds. He hasn’t done anything that I can judge him for. not anything I know of yet. i mean, he has some very little 15 year old exes, but they’re all nice girls. But of course, I;m not allowed to talk to them. that’s one thing he;s weird about. Keira is a nice girl, and sweet, but I;m not allowed to talk to her. Or Danni, she goes to Rosny, but I don;t think she really wants to talk to me after last time. Talking to her at jason’s was a bad idea and we both regret it. And Nia. Nia.. is. well, messed up. But I like her a lot, and she’s nice. I wasn;t even allowed to meet Nia in person though, even though she asked. Josh has tried ‘fixing’ her. but it didn’t work. And she’s a bit drug fucked and has certain things which sort of remind me of me, but yeah. He’s especially worried about it now because she’s bi, and sent josh a message telling him that she thought I was gorgeous, so yeah. that’s a bit upsetting, because I can see myself and Nia being good friends if we had the opportunity. And amber.. yeah. don;t want to meet amber. I feel sort of threatened by her somehow. And she thinks she’s a vampire. anyway, keira and nia got deleted from my myspace to keep josh happy. And he;s funny about guys, too. like, when we first started talking, before we started going out, he was all, anti-shane. and got him to stop texting me. And then he went anti-John, because a) John’s messages made me cry a few times, and b) he was a bit worried that john was trying to get me back or something. he had this long explanation of why he was so paranoid.

But josh’s anti-drinking has sort of made me not want to drink. Like, he’s not stopped me from drinking by any means. he doesn’t like it, but he’s not stopping me from doing it. but to be honest I really don;t want to anymore.

and this entry just kind of trailed off into oblivion. I don;t know ehre it was headed in the first place. And I didn;t want it to trail into talk of josh, because I don;t want him to be the only thing i talk about. But he does confuse me so. like the other night, when we had an argument without really meaning too.

I was happy and a bit hyper, and so when we were texting I must have sounded it. he said he was studying so i asked if he wanted me to stop texting him for a while so he could get some more study done, and he said no.. and then a few minutes later was all like ‘actually yes, go have fun with whatever you;re doing that’s made you so hyper and just stop texting me’ sort of thing, which sounded to me all sarcastic like, don’t worry about me, you just go have fun’ sort of way. anyway, i said no, what’s up kind of thing, and he was all ‘WHY WON’T YOU STOP TEXTING ME AND LEAVE ME ALONE TO STUDY?’ and I was all, woah, what? that kind of came out of the blue. anyway, the conversation continued with him saying something along the lines of ‘I can deal with you texting mee too much and being clingy, but.. something something something.’ and i just wetn, ah what? I’m clingy now? well, i really wish someone would have mentioned something because I really don;t know what i’ve done to be clingy. i text a lot because he usually starts it, and I can’t think of anything I;ve done to be so annoying as to be called clingy. so I tell him that i don;t understand how i;m clingy, but I’ll sop texting as much and stop being clingy, and that just made him really mad. like, I know you’d take it too far and say something stupid like that!’ and he told me not to stop ebing clingy and texty because that wouldn’t be me and don’t i dare change because he loves me and if i change he really will be angry.

in the end we sorted things out because i explained that i didn’t stop because of a mix u and stuff, but that confused me. And Alex was texting me at the time asking me more questions about what i think michelle is thinking. to be honest, i don’t care. i;m not a fucking mind reader. i told him that too. i said Alex, listen. just once, lets have a conversation that doesn’t involve you asking me what i think michelle is thinking or what i think ems is thinking. I asked him about what he thought the JD situation was about, but that was a bad idea. silly me forgot about the whole JD/Alex situation. I;m angered by Alex’s complete inability to see that getting with Danni while JD and Danni were going out gives JD the right to be angry at him, but he still thinks that he;s done nothing wrong. So i got no answers from that front.

And then, to add to the confusingnessof 2 conversations going on at once, out of nowhere Hobbo texted me. That didn;t surprise me though, because he often texts me at strange times. And he sort of put things into perspective for me because he;s hobbo and that’s what he does. And that made me feel better and we had giggleworthy conversations about sex and i was happier.

and I’m still not sure where this ended up or even where it was originally meant to go. But now I;ve kind of vented everything I feel a bit better.

but i’m still not sure about anything.