Life coming full circle

I just turned 53. I admit that I haven’t always been on the best of tracks with my life.  I could and do sometimes blame my parents and how I was raised. However, we can’t really always look back and put blame on others, so I fully recognize that I should have made some better decisions in my life

I also need to fully come to grips with the fact that my parents don’t see their bias towards my brother. He’s older, he and I have barely spoken in decades, but I orchestrated getting him and my niece here for the holidays a few years ago, so I am willing to do that for my parents sake. He didn’t speak to my parents for about 4 years, after a perceived offense to him, them taking my former sister in law’s side over his, but out of the blue, just started talking with them without a word of apology or why he is now talking with them.

I have the means to some extent to take care of my parents in small ways.  I send my mother money every month to help pay down their Visa bill as that’s what they have been using to pay for house repairs, etc. My brother on the other hand lives off the kindness of a mission in San Diego, and my parents think he’s changed his ways. So godly he is now apparently.  He’s hardly in a position to be a chaplain, to give spiritual guidance to the homeless in the mission rescue when he barely has reconciled with me or his niece.  Let’s not forget that he was a ‘dead beat dad’, quitting his 6-figure job to avoid paying child support and continues to this day to battle with his ex wife over my now of-age niece.  Quality guy this one, and my parents still claim he’s changed.  Insert eye roll here

My mother has had some surgeries in the past few years, back and knee, etc. and now we’re here again for her most recent knee surgery.

Last year, I raced down here from SF to take care of both my mother, who was being released from the hospital into a rehab center for her spine surgery AND my dad who heard nursing home and that equals one foot in the grave.  That was a fun trip to say the least

I am so lucky that I am able to sit here in my parents dining room and work from here.  My main manager isn’t even back from vacation yet, and last week all three of them were gone, so I am so grateful that they allow me to work from here, and take care of things. As I have been working since 6am, I have had some troubles getting connected and while troubleshooting that, having to jump up to take care of my mother.

To be fair, it’s what I do. I am a care giver, it’s always been in my nature to look out for others, and as odd as my relationship with my parents has been over the years, I always show up.  They may complain about how much food I make, to freeze so that my mother doesn’t have to stand and cook, or that I don’t need to be here, I am always here.  My brother? He went to a Christian rock concert in Texas over the weekend.  He will never show up and yet he’s in charge of their estate when they die

My aunt tells me that my mother always mentions that she’s so grateful that I am here, helping out and making meals for them.  She’ll never say that to me to my face. I cooked last night in the 100+ heat, sweating all my parts off, and instead of saying thank you, my dad complained it wasn’t steak and baked potatoes.  I think the words you’re trying to say are THANK YOU but I didn’t say anything.  It’s beyond worth mentioning

As I stand with my mother in the bathroom, helping her up, pulling up her panties, I realized in that moment, how life has indeed come full circle. That 50 years ago, it was her that was helping me in the bathroom. I am overcome with sadness that my parents are getting to the age where surgeries and injuries and illnesses sideline them and it’s clear that as much as I would love to get out of this state, or move somewhere I can afford, I will never be able to because I need to be there for them

I worry that if my mother doesn’t do her exercises she won’t get stronger and with me leaving here (fingers crossed in my own car, a rental at the very least) on Wednesday, my dad won’t be able to move her without me.

I am a bit of a mess…I don’t want to break down in front of them, always the strong one, so I am glad for those moments I can be on my own while my mother is resting