F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Lol if any of you guys love(d) the show friends, you’ll remember the episode where Rachael asked Monica to make all her decisions for her, cause she kept making bad ones? Yeah…I could use someone like that, especially now. I feel I have made so  many bad ones, that I don’t really trust myself to make good ones. Even now I’ve done things I said I’d never do, did things against my better judgement. After which I feel stupid, yet I can’t stop myself from being that way. Yeah I bought a plane ticket, and yes I plan to go no matter what (I’m not wasting my money, too much of it was spent), but why the hell do I even think that was a good idea. I am not rational right now, and could use a rational friend. I love my mom, but certain things I cannot discuss with her. Hell I can’t even be sad around her, or sigh, she starts in on what’s wrong when I keep telling her I’m ok or don’t wanna talk about it. I feel I have to keep my emotions in check in order to have even that bit of peace. I hope at some point I can either get my own place, or move somewhere. My goal is to move back to NC anyway, just cause I prefer to live there verses here. At this point it doesn’t matter if things with S ever mend or not. I left for a reason. He keeps me around with sweet good morning texts and the occasional goodnight ones, but not much in between. No one is that tired, or busy. Even though I know what he’s going through on the work front (which is enough to drive anyone crazy), but I never know what he’s thinking. I know that I won’t be the one carrying any relationship. I don’t wanna be the one reaching out all the time. All it does for me is hurt me, mess with my head, and make me doubtful of anything. So while I am down there, I will at least get my school books if I can. I can get that myself, I don’t really need him to get me anywhere. If I have to uber/bus myself around, so be it. I’m only gonna be there a week anyway. I figured I’d get that trip out of the way prior to working so that I don’t have to worry about missing too much work trying to go later. I wanted to go in mid august, but my new job prevents it. I’ll still be in training and they don’t want you to miss more than 2 days during training. I’d rather not risk a good job for a jackass, ya know. Gave one up for him before.

I know I’m stupid, or make stupid decisions anyway. Especially when it comes to S. This is making it hard to get over things, get past things, move on. I want to, but as usual he won’t let me. He’ll reach out when he feels he needs to. Why hold on to something you don’t really want? I never understood that. How do you say you love someone, but have no ability to show it? I miss the way things used to be, but I know it’ll never be the same. It’ll never be as it was in the beginning. I’m tired of hoping, but yet I can’t help it. I always wanna hope for the best, to have what I finally want and need out of life. At this point I am scared to let anyone else in, yet I want to have my happy marriage, maybe even a kid. Yeah I am 40, but I could still get that. If not, it’s not the end of the world, I’d still want the long happy marriage that BOTH of us work towards. One sided relationships NEVER work. People who want the best of both worlds do NOT need to be in a relationship. I don’t wanna feel like I’m sharing my guy. He’d never have to share me, and I’m not one for open relationships. I’m not driven by sex, but love and commitment. I doubt there are many of those types of men left. I think being single is something I should have done for the last 10 years, instead of dealing with constant disappointment from the same man. I feel like sometimes I see myself being stupid, and yet am helpless. I pray, I try to refrain, but I feel weak. I’m tired and lonely, and yet I wanna be alone. I think once I have some insurance, I will look into seeing a psychiatrist, hopefully that would help. I wish I knew why it was so hard to let someone go whose proven time and time again they aren’t worth the stress. I have always had issues getting over him as we have had many breakups in the past. As soon as I get close to getting over him, he bounces back. Always right before I have a chance to heal, and I feel weak AF when it comes to him. I don’t know what the future holds, but if praying doesn’t help, I don’t know what will. I want peace, I want happiness, and I want freedom. I want to live life a little less stress free, for once.