Tired and irritated

I regret the decision to move back home. I feel alone. What I mean is, I KNOW that my mom and sis talk about me. They already talk about my habits and comment all the time, which gets annoying. They talk about me, sometimes assuming I can’t hear them. I have no time to myself unless it’s bedtime. My sis constantly nags about me watching her play on her damn computer all day. She’ll come into the living room to give updates on what she’s watching. She claims she’s lonely and that’s why she talks so much. Mom encourages it because she feels this helps with her anxiety and depression, it does not. She was taking depression meds, but they’d make her mean and even more depressed. She’s not on them now and not as mean, she’s still dealing with anxiety though. I hear them talk, and they talk all the time. Not always about me, but sometimes yeah. So today when I got up, I talked to mom before she left about my interview tomorrow. My sis decided to go to her room after mom left, I went in there for something and she was talking to me about whatever. I listened for as long as I could, but my main goal was to spend some time alone in the living room. This has been my thing since I came here. No one understands my need for quiet, It’s not like I’m “better” just yet. I’ve been dealing with this S thing, struggling with what I should/need to do. So there’s that, then there’s staying at home with nothing to do, and trying not to spend up the 401K money too fast, so I’m stretching as best I can until I get a job. Well as I get ready to head out of her room, she makes this face cause she’s upset that I’m not staying. I told her I just needed some alone time, but she pretends to understand and then goes and cries. I’m guessing she called or texted mom, because I heard her on the phone. I assumed mom was in training, but I guess she stepped away for my sis. I turn the tv down and i hear her crying and talking, trying to talk low. I walk to her room and I open the door, she is talking on the phone and goes “well yeah she’s in here now” and then I hear her say “yeah she’s eavesdropping” I was too pissed, cause she KNEW I was standing there. SO it’s ok for HER to be that fucking rude, but I can’t say shit cause of her anxiety? Fuck her anxiety, I have that shit too and I’m not that bad. I require lots of alone time, especially when dealing with my depression, and quite frankly I do not want to spend every damn day in her room watching her use her computer all day. I do sometimes, but she acts like I am here to entertain her so she’s not lonely.

She always wants company in HER room, and will constantly go “well mom would do it for me” trying to guilt trip me. It’s so damn annoying. So I know she and mom talk about the fact that i don’t spend as much time with my sister as SHE wants me to, yet SHE won’t come in the living room to watch tv with me. If she does, it’s cause we’re eating and mom is there. Otherwise she’s more likely to eat in her room. I spent all fucking day with them yesterday, we went to see Aladdin, and went to a few stores to get some things. I tried to sit down and chill to myself when we got home. I was really feeling down about this S situation, but mom kept bugging me to come spend time with them in my sisters room. I spend time watching her pointless powerpoint presentation she did out of boredom, what more does she want? As it is, she comes in the living room every so often and talks my ear off. I’ve never liked obsessive talkers, NEVER have and just cause it’s family doesn’t mean I’m supposed to be able to tolerate it. However, it doesn’t matter how I feel, what I need, or what I want. I’m supposed to sacrifice my sanity for the sake of family. I had a breakdown and mom wouldn’t leave me the hell alone until I told her what was wrong. I know she’s trying to help, but this is why I don’t tell her much about my life. Now that I”m stuck here, I can’t really show my emotions or I’ll go through her pry sessions, and it just makes me feel worse. I have days where I am better, but I’m far from normal. I really don’t know what’s going on with my life and i rarely have alone time to address my feelings. I have always been a private person, and NO ONE CARES. It sucks, and i did not leave one stressful situation to have another. I will get my own place, whether it’s an apt or a hotel room. I can’t take this. I did not come here to be someone’s entertainment so they don’t feel lonely.

I told my sis once SHE could come in the living room sometimes too to watch TV with me, but she doesn’t want to. She claims she hates sitcoms, but only occasionally will she watch a movie with us. Like I said earlier, this happens to be when mom is home as well and we are eating. I really hope I get this job because not only do I need the money, but I need to get where i can breath without mom and sis breathing down my neck trying to get me to spend all my time with them, when I so badly need alone time. I’ve always been that way. When I lived in NC sis would call, I would listen to her talk for as long as she wanted to, and she’d text me. Now that I’m here, she’s all “oh good, I won’t be lonely all the time” but like I also said earlier she’ll try to guilt trip me telling me what mom would do for her. She already doesn’t want to share mom with me, but i can’t say anything. It’ll hurt her feelings. Soooo fuck my feelings then right? I feel so down, but I never get to deal with how I am feeling cause of them. I hate I came here, but I’ll make the best of it. I will still go to NC in august to get my school books, and I guess I’ll see S, but I really just want at least a week with NO human interaction. Though I do want to work, but I mean like when I get home and not have to worry about someone wanting to spend time with me all the time. I DID just get out of a stressful situation. Can’t I have some time to breathe before I am back to my normal self? God I feel like shit, I just wanna scream I’m so frustrated. In no way am I ungrateful to have them in my life, I just wish they would understand and care that I have needs to and that just because I don’t do everything they want doesn’t mean I don’t love them. They both like to manipulate and it’s annoying. I am seriously gonna look into gettin sis on disability or whatever so she can get professional help and physical therapy. She needs a job so she can get out of the damn house, shit!