what to do…what to do…

…Will We Ever Be Friends Again?…

i’m not sure if Nic and i will ever be friends again.

i’m not sure if he’ll ever see that, without my friends, im nothing.

friends are what make me. even if i DO have a boyfriend, i should still be able to be friends with my ex. Alex isnt going to stand in my way of that. so…i dont understand why Nic IS.

all i feel for Nic now…is friendship. thats it! and Alex knows that. he trusts me. and i know as long as i dont SEE Nic…that everything will be "PEACHY" between us.

seeing Nic…wouldnt be a good thing because i dont know what could happen or what WOULD happen. ::bottom line:: i dont trust myself.

I want to be friends with Nic like we were after we broke up this August. How we talked once a week whenever he texted or IMed me. I ENJOYED that. it made me happy. it made me smile. and me having a boyfriend shouldnt change that unless i WANT IT to change.

<p style="TEXT-ALIGN: center" align="center">When Nic started dating Tina, he treated me like SHIT! i wasnt allowed to talk to him or to come NEAR him! he made it that way. it hurt so much knowing that my best friend didnt even CARE about me n e more. that the one guy that i would go to when i had a "family crisis" wasnt going to BE THERE for me n e more. that hurt. that broke my heart. it made me feel like i wasnt worth n e thing n e more. like…i’d be better off dead!

I even told my mother that i would kill myself if Nic would have been the only one who was hurt by it. because i wanted him to FEEL the pain that he was putting me thru. i felt like he DESERVED to be in pain. that he DESERVED to know what it felt like to have your whole life ripped out of you and taken away. because he did that to me.

the reason that it took me so long to get over him was because there werent any pieces to pick up. i just had this GIANT WHOLE in my life and no way to fill it. I had built my ENTIRE LIFE around him. and when he left, he took all of it with him. i had to rebuild my life from scratch. and that wasnt easy. but i did it.

but…in the end…his friendship had returned that June. we were talking again. laughing again. and i was happy to just hear from him when HE wanted to talk. it made it "that much easier" to move on, to put my life back together.

with him as my friend, i am whole. i am happy. and i can smile.

with him as my friend, i can laugh.

i dont feel "guilty" for talking to him.

i dont feel as if i’m cheating on Alex in some way because i tell Alex that i talk to Nic. I can’t LIE to Alex. and thats weird. lol.

but…ya…all i want is Nic to be my friend again. and if i have TOTALLY BLEW IT by writing this entry, then i guess that God has a reason for it. but…frankly…i do believe that it wouldnt be a very good one. because it would make me very sad and it would make me cry…again.

n e way…i’m going to go now. i have to vacuum the house. ick!

love you all.

-Kat

P.S. ::::Nic…dont get mad…just…understand that i still want your friendship…badly.
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