growing up…and…senior year…

…Growing up…

Right now…I’m sad. Growing up…it’s just not as fun as I thought it would be. I wish I could be back in High School. Those were the days…and I never really realized it until now, now that I’m heading into the "real world" of college. Yuck. I don’t like this. I wish I could turn back the clock…not because I would really change n e thing…but just because I want to LIVE it again. Ya…I’d probably talk more and be myself. I’d probably just go back to my senior year and make the best out of it, be who I really am instead of some shy girl that I’m not. But…all I can do is make the best out of college. Yuck. I still don’t want to go.

When I read about senior year, I want to cut all of the pain away that I felt back then. Even though it’s over now, the girl that I was back then still feels that pain. I just wish I could heal her. But I don’t think I can…and I don’t believe that any one else can either. She was so lost and confused…and she went through so much with Nic. She went through shit that she was too young to experience. If only I could have protected her from it. And now, I’m putting myself in the same positions but I’m STRONG ENOUGH to say NO to him. I’m STRONG ENOUGH to put him in his place and to tell him how I feel without caring if it hurts him or not. Because I don’t want to end up like she did, hurt and confused. She deserved better. So now I am living my life FOR her and making sure that she knows that no one will EVER be hurt by him like she was. May she rest in peace.

I want to cut myself. I want to cut all of this pain/childlike behavior away. I want it all to just DISAPPEAR! I want my life back! I want to be able to forget all about the pain and the bad memories. But I know that no one is going to let me. They think that dredging up the past will help me. Um…sorry…WRONG STRATAGY! IT DOESN’T HELP ME! I’m not like EVERYONE ELSE. I’m different. And if YOU can’t see that, then BACK THE HELL OFF! I’m so SICK and TIRED of people thinking that if this method helped them that it can help me. I’m sorry but…YOU
ARE WAY
WRONG! I know what works for me and I know what doesn’t. I’ve been there before. So don’t thinkthat you are SO SMART when you don’t even know what the HELL you’re TALKING ABOUT!

You are right about one thing though. Cutting doesn’t help. It doesn’t solve n e thing. I know that. I get it, okay? I UNDERSTAND. I’ve figured that out ALL BY MYSELF. I’m a big girl you know. I don’t need your guidance every step of the way. I CAN make it on my own through some things. So don’t tell me what I already know and don’t try to help me in ways that worked for you because they DON’T WORK FOR ME! Got it? You better! Because if you try ONE MORE TIME to PUSH ME into doing something that HELPED YOU, I will gladly put an end to our so-called "friendship" and make sure you leave me the HELL ALONE! Okay? Okay. Thank you.

((the last 2 paragraphs are addressed to my friend Dan))

Talk to you all later. Love ya.

-Kat

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