Questions, questions…

When someone questions your love after everything you have done to show them over and over, it kind of hurts. I won’t go into detail, but someone likes to act in the moment, then think about it later. So when I ask, “do you have anything on your mind” and they say no, I think that’s it. Then comes the questions, well if you love me like you say, why this or that, after they have had time to think. Do they think I wasted so much time fighting for the relationship, giving all I had to give, just cause I DON’T love them? Why is it so hard for people to see your worth? It’s not hard. I see a lot of good in folks, even though they are reluctant to show it sometimes, especially when they are stressed or are in asshole mode. How can someone have so much pride that they allow the one good thing they have to slip away? It’s been an emotional roller-coaster with this dude. One minute I’m getting all these loving texts, and all that. The next, it’s question about this or that, or how they they think I should show I love them. I don’t say it unless I mean it, and you cannot tell me how I feel about you. I know what I fucking feel, cause my heart is breaking knowing things got so fucked up that I had to go. Now apparently it’s only temporary, there’s talk of me going back. The more I think about things, the more pissed I am. I am done trying to prove myself, and question my sanity. Why the hell do I cry or pine over someone who could hurt me and act like I’m not supposed to be affected? I just can’t turn my love off that easily, and I think parts of him still love me. I just don’t think he knows what the hell he wants or how to show it. I need to just leave him alone, but it’s not as easy as it sounds. I wanna go back, but I don’t wanna deal with the stress. I will need for him to change and/or compromise, just like he expects me to.

I am willing to compromise to a degree, do more to help, but I would expect the same. I’m not changing ME to please him. I need love, comfort, and all that shit that I had when we first FINALLY made it official 4 years ago. Maybe I have slacked some, but a lot of my actions stemmed from how he had treated me. He’s done things that hurt, but doesn’t like when I bring them to his face. I’m to let the past go, and I can, but so long as the past doesn’t keep slapping me in the face. So if this was to work out, I would need for God to reveal S to himself, give him enough regret/remorse from HIS actions, to wanna be a better man. If this doesn’t work out, I would want for him to change anyway just so no one else has to deal with his bullshit. Someone else may be stronger than I am, and not afraid to step up, but at the same time I would not want that other person to be subject to his asshole side when they don’t deserve it. I certainly don’t. So I am torn between what I wanna do, and what I need to do. As of yet, I guess he considers us still “together” or whatever. I mean for obvious reasons I’m not with him, but yeah I guess it’s just a long distance thing for now. I just know I am up TO HERE with the questions on whether I truly love him or not. I’m beginning to think he doesn’t know what love is, and has a warped idea of how one shows their love. He needs to learn to love unconditionally. I don’t mean no matter what a person says or does, but more so not be based on bullshit. I dealt with a lot from him, but I loved him anyway. I fell in love with his personality and the sweet man I saw a long time ago, and I got much of that before and after I moved there. I just wonder why he let money affect US so bad that we started to fall apart. That part makes NO sense to me, but think I think with my heart, and not my privates. The actions I’ve seen of him have NOTHING to do with money, that’s just an excuse. I know I’m stupid as hell and crazy, and maybe loony for even entertaining him after everything. It’s quite hard to let someone go that you’re in love with, and it truly is a process trying to grieve everything. I can’t trust myself to just walk away, so it would take God’s help. I don’t know what will happen next. I know what I’d want to happen, but sometimes what you want isn’t what you need. 

I am glad that I don’t cry as much, but my emotions are all over the place. If I could just leave him alone cold turkey, I’d probably be better off. I am not going to keep jumping through hoops to please someone, who can’t even admit THEIR part in why the relationship started to fall. No matter how many times I try to explain myself or prove my love, I still find myself in this seemingly endless loop of questions about my actions and love. It’s getting old! If anything, HE should be trying to prove to ME that he loves me. For once be afraid to lose ME. There was a time when he was…but then things changed. I’m just a mess, one minute I’m fine, the next minute I’m not. One minute I miss him so bad, the next minute I want him to leave me the fuck alone. I really think seeing a psychiatrist is needed. I need an outlet, and unbiased one I suppose. One thing I wish I could change about myself is my anxiety, if I could control that some, maybe I could avoid a whole of of shit. I just wanna get back to me, the happier me. I’d like to have him along for the ride, but only if he’s worth it. Right now….I’m not so sure. I know this talk we had today had me rethinking some things…so I’m just on a mission to pray until something happens. Either way, I will be happy and stress free. Breakups are hard, I pray I never have to go through one again. According to him this was not an official break up. I assumed it was, hence me moving. Only God knows the outcome with him and I, because right now I am confused as hell. Even though I had good reason to leave, I can’t turn my feelings off, just yet. Maybe distance can helps us get closer, or it could possibly break us. Only time will tell, but I will keep praying. It helps me stay sane to be able to talk to God!!