this was supose to be short lol

so how has my life been? ok. mostly good. there’s been a few rough patches honestly. the bf. dating is not easy sometimes. relationships are not easy. I love him and we had a big deal kind of talk. we had a bad day a few days ago. it was mostly me yes. and I apologized for my behavior. pregnant or not there needs to be control. I cant just get upset and cry all the time for no real reason. I’ve been getting cabin fever alot and it gets to the point where I’m starting fights and blah blah. then he was talking to an old friend who was more than just a friend. he didn anything bad. but he cant let certain females from his past be. and I was like if u cant be just friends with them ..then you can be friends with them and its time to let go. then that went into marriage. hes against marriage. I think because he was burned so badly before but says its cause its a ritual blah blah blah bullshit. And I was like I want marriage. I don’t want now. but I want it. and I tried to explain to him what it means to me and why. its not just a commitment before god and all that. appently hes anit-religion too. that’s another issue. the conversation went ok. he is atleast open minded to an extent. then from there things are good. hes opening up more to me, which I call a success.

Him and myles are doing really well. He is helping out more with him and even brought myles a chair. its too cute. its a pint size little fold up chair. Which myles loved..and then climbed and got stuck in lol.

Myles has been very clingy the past few days. I am having problems with it. like I cant go to a room and shut a door. he will be on the other side crying and beating on it. he is almost tall enough to be able to open it. he can just grab the door handle sort of. I don’t want that day to happen lol.

Baby front is going well. had an ultrasound yesterday. Turns out I’m earlier than originally thought but only by a few days. I am 5 weeks and 6 days today. They had to do the probing method. Which consist of shoving this very long ultrasound wand thingy up my vagoo. It happened when I was preggers with myles. This time was better. The doctor was alot nicer about it..but I had to shove it up there. Kind of awkward. but they found my little beano. Too early to get a heart beat but they could see it beating. I was alittle worried something was wrong. I am still cramping, my back hurts and its hard to sleep mostly. Now he n the hand was freaking out. They brought him in for the last part to see our little beano. I could just feel his anxiety. I saw it in his breathing..I could feel it. The lady sat down and had a nice little chat. explained the options and kind of gives an idea of what happens with couples. and honestly I was alittle torn. I had thought about getting it taken care of. I mean I’m still so overweight and the next few months are going to be crazy. We will be moving to texas by like july/ aug. But she said something and it made complete sense. Abortions do not strengthen relationships. I know it will always be in the back of my mind. And every time we have a fight ill bring it and throw it in his face. That is what I do. Yes I’m working on that…but it will happen. that aside the emotional toll will be heavy. And the truth is it will effect me more than him. And honestly I want this. Of course I want with him. But it might not happen that way. We went to lunch and his mood changed…typical taurus. And I tolled him point blank..that he has to decide. And if he cant/wont then call it good and we are over. he doesn’t have to be involved. I gave myles dad the same option. and he chose to be a dad but hes not even a half ass dad. My gut tells me he will choose to stay. But prepare for the worse but hope for the best. I tolled my mom woot.

On other news I have a job at amazon. how awesome is that. I start at 13.50 plus benefits my starting day. I start the 25th, Today tho I go in for something. I had applied for another job but because there was not enough people to fill the class. so they kept me on fill and I would get a call when they have another job open. and they did. and I’m super excited and getting pretty broke. shit I just remember I need to pay my phone bill.