trial and error

funny how some people can effect you….. even if it’s years and years later. somehow, i don’t think i am the one malfunctioning. somehow, i dont think i am the one that is wrong. if there is such a thing…. how can such a love that springs forth from me with such intensity, such purpose for two of the most important people that i have ever known in this life…. how can it taste so bitter and ashy in my mouth. how can the thought of it turn my stomach and bring me to my knees? the very idea, the very notion….. i guess thats a double standard if i ever heard one.
something about it just sickens me. i guess hetheysheitmehimher probably felt the same way at one point. i just want to be a “grown-up” whatever that means and try my best to forget about the things that i’ve lost, that i’ve squandered, that i have left in my, very extensive, wake. but they come back to haunt me, wearing the guise of friends, of familiarity. they seek to drag me down, i see them in their facade, i see them in their treachery. but then, maybe that is what they thought of me, once. maybe that is what i have become to them. i am just…. a figment of the past. an idea, a symbol of all that has ever gone wrong. how can hetheysheitmehimher carry on, blissfully ignorant… NO! I don’t believe them ignorant at all. i believe they both fully understand. what i cant understand is their blatant flaunting of it as though i were some sort of idiot. as if i were somehow still to blame for all the things gone wrong in the world. everytime i hear it, everytime she mentions it every single fucking time the inkling of an inkling crosses my mind, i am sickened. it takes days to recuperate. i dont even want to try sometimes. i find myself lying in bed staring into the darkness wondering why there is such such such unfairness in the act of growing up. i think we should be awarded a grace period in which to fuck up as much as possible and is still able to come back and repair the damage one has wrought. but this is not so. never has been and never will be. the sickness in my stomach stems from the longing. festering. leftover traces of a love that was the most overpowering i have ever known. many excuses exist for it’s destruction but the bottom line has always been fear. fear of allowing myself that kind of openness and vulnerability. the thought of never having experienced life, not knowing that experiencing life is what happens every day. I spent so much time longing for that which could not be that which was negative rather than focus on possibility and change. i have been stuck in the muck waiting for answers and crying hopelessly to the stars with not a single wink of a blink of an answer. the simple answer is there are no answers. there never were and their never will be. the only thing that we can seek with confidence in this life is to fulfill our own wishes, dreams, desires and needs. that for which we all strive within ourselves. that without which…. we would cease to exist. and maybe thats what we do, we exist, waiting for the moment when the sky opens and shows us the way. well, aside from religious zealots and madmen, there is no such truth. for the rest of us, it’s well, just trial and error.