05/11/2013

the irony of the fact that all my entries have the same theme is not lost on me. the fact that I only write here when i have no other option, because of whatever reason, and find no difference in the months between entries. each one speaks the same riddles, sings the same melancholy tune. i have become both predictable and boring. funny how a person can be utterly lost but never alone… not truly.
i feel despair. horrible all encompassing despair. i find that when i look back on my life, those things which have defined me, led me to my current situation…. well, i either cant or wont remember. everything in my life has been taken by alcohol. repeatedly. and by my own decision and will. the thing that really stings is knowing that it has all been self-inflicted. that if I had made the effort, the choice, to change it, i could have. i could have chosen a different path, a higher road. i could have walked in the light, i could have gone with the flow of the gifts i was given. i could have nurtured and honed my natural talents into something that i would be excited to call a career… a life. i could have held on to people that really truly mattered to me. i could have BEEN somebody. anybody. but this. why then did i choose the difficult road? i supposed hindsight is 20/20 but its not as if i didnt know at the time what i was doing was wrong and would never help me to succeed.
i was not dealt that bad of a hand. its not as though i was raised by pedophiles or wife beaters or drug addicts. i choose to believe that the alcoholism that pulses through my veins is less of a handicap and more of a personal choice. who am i to say what role genetics play in addiction? but the fact remains that it has (and likely always will be) a very large factor in my life. So, they say, why not just stop? give it up? change your ways? learn to live life sober…… yeah. maybe im not ready…. maybe i’ll never be ready. maybe at this late stage i am unable to change the path before set in motion by years and years of bad decisions. there are often times when i sit and think of all those things I choose not to remember. all the things i choose not to see in my memory because of shame or the simple fact that it hurts too much to think about. i self medicate because i have never had success feeling better any other way. temporary solutions to long term problems. how am i supposed to feel happy when my life is such a mess? i don’t know what i want. it seems to me that most people around me that have made themselves successful DO know what they want. that they have ALWAYS known what they want…. why was that luxury lost on me? i had all the same opportunities but i chose to squander them rather than fulfilling my ample potential to be great. everywhere i look my old friends are moving forward…. buying homes, getting married, having children…. and i live one step up from a college kid with a crappy just-above-minimum wage job that i may or may not be on the brink of losing…. so what then? run home to mom again? run home to dad? flee the state? the country?
i try to have hope in the future, in tomorrow…. in the fact that as long as I am breathing there is a chance for happiness. but that hope dwindles with each passing year…. and they are passing faster and faster. so how will i see myself at 45 when i have still accomplished nothing? when i have faded into appeasement and monotony? when i have lost everything i ever hoped to stand for? its not as if i wasn’t given options. i was given more chances at redemption than i deserved. and i took advantage of none of them. i fought the system, i fought the future, the past, myself and all those who cared about me and now, just as they all said, i find myself alone. depressed. and dying in a pool of my own self-loathing knowing that it is no ones fault but my own. i’ve burned bridges, hurt feelings, broken hearts and been utterly ungrateful and selfish at the best of times. what makes me think i deserve the happiness i seek in this lifetime? karma is a bitch. and i have to pay for my misuse of love and trust. that is just something i am going to have to accept. everything that has occurred is no ones fault but my own and i will simply have to find a way to live with that. after all, whats the alternative? although i generally find regret to be a wasted emotion, in this case, i think its more than valid. if i could rewind my life five or six years, i would have done absolutely everything differently. and right now, it is more likely than not that i would be in a better situation and a better state of mind. but our mistakes are our own and they are never going away…….