Tears and Coffee

im scared. i dont know what to do anymore. i feel incapable of changing my life, of fixing my problems. I feel trapped, i cant breathe, i cant move, all i want to do is fucking drink it all away. this cannot be good, this cannot be natural. why am i thinking like this, STILL!?! its been years and i can’t hardly remember why i am carrying it on. i cannot forget how it began but that cant be the only way to stop it. there must be some other way. i am so scared that things will never change and that this is the way i am and will always be. i miss what it was like to know i was a whole person… now, i feel like im drowning.
i dont know how to fix this… i keep thinking maybe i should call this whole thing off, maybe i need to say goodbye to the codependancy and try to live alone again… maybe then i will take care of myself. what kind of fucked up rationale is that? what difference does it make where i am or what i am doing? i should be able to be strong enough to figure this shit out no matter what. I have debated so many different ways to understand and fix my problems. nothing has worked. i am starting to feel like you enable me and that i enable you… that we are incapable of changing together…. what if this is the straw that breaks the camels back? i feel like im standing in a burning building, watching it fall and crumble around me. and just like a burning building, there is no way to stop this. the descent is inevitable and the damage irreparable… but i must save myself.

i wish there was some way to know which choice was the right one…. im terrified of making the wrong one. im scared that if i walk away from this i may never get it back…. i dont know what i want…. and i really think that after three years, i should have had my mind made up by now. i just dont want to hurt him…. not now, not ever. why cant i just make my decision and fade into the background like i have done so many times before? why is this so difficult? i am so comfortable…. but i hate myself. i cant just sit around sober and alone and try to be happy about it. i cant. there is too much going on inside my head for me to stop thinking even for a second. i am terrified that this is my last chance to make a real decision for myself. i do not want to be trapped for the rest of my life in something that i did not choose fully, with every breath in my body and every fiber of my being i have to know this is what i want. i cannot make that distinction… i do not possess that knowledge. but i think you do… i think that you see me in that light, but i cannot see you. i cannot see you. so where does this leave me? with another broken heart notched on my belt as i walk away? another heart broken for no reason but my personal growth. how fucked up is that?