Misery Chick

ok. i’m really scared now. denial and pretending to be okay isn’t helping anymore. it isn’t changing anything. maybe he’s right. maybe i am a misery chick…. maybe i need to go find out what’s important to me. but all i keep saying is… that’s never helped before. and truth be told it hasn’t but, i haven’t really tried. i mean really tried to make it on my own. there has always been someone there, someone either contributing to my success or taking from it, in any case… i’m inclined to agree with him. maybe i shouldn’t be in a relationship right now. maybe i do need to reassess my role in this partnership. i am not delibrately trying to sabotage anything, i do love him and believe he is a good guy. i don’t know. i’m trying to convince myself that this is just another of my subconcious episodes wherein i destroy my life on purpose because of my restless desire and inability to do anything about it. i feel like i live my life as though i am tossing and turning, never quite finding my niche. what bothers me is watching all my friends with whom i used to have so much in common growing up and moving on and they all look at me like: wow, she had so much potential. and all the while i’m drowning. i get so wrapped up with trying to prove what i am and what i am not… i have not been able to effectively prove anything. i have made countless promises to countless people about the same recurring issues. what is the bottom line? what is the least common denominator? Me. Me and my selfish inability to cope or change or do anything remotely productive. no wonder everybody leaves eventually… oh, wait… i’m the one that leaves.
the worst part is that i am still stuck reliving past instances in my life where i have let myself or others down. i focus so readily on the negetive that anything positive is washed out and nearly forgotten. maybe i am pushing him away. i agree with him, though, that i would rather break it off now and not lose each other as friends than spend the rest of our lives hating each other because we were too selfish to just let it die. sometimes simply loving someone is not enough. if you can’t live with them and their (in my case, abundant) issues, it is more than likely best to break it off before it gets ugly.
i never wanted it to come to this. i hate feeling this way. particularly because you would be happy just playing this out forever. i dont know why i cant just settle for what is there. for what everyone else seems to strive for. i have a nice life and a beautiful apartment. i have food to eat and a car to drive and most any other luxury i can afford myself at the age of 25. so why then do i make myself unhappy? it sometimes seems like i create these scenarios in my head as a way of detaching myself from the guilt of ending a perfectly good relationship. well, maybe not perfectly good. we, as everyone, have our problems but they are mostly my problems and the last thing i want to do is drive him to hate me because i’m to scared of hurting his feelings to be one hundred percent honest. i just dont believe that some of the things that run through my head are pertinant to what is going on. i have nothing to hide but at the same time, i what i have to say will more than likely hurt him and that is just not something i am good at dealing with.
after phil tried to kill himself, i just can’t bring myself to say the words “i think we should break up.” i’m scared of ruining people even though phil is now doing just as great as everyone else i know (excluding myself, of course). so where does that leave me? twisting in the wind, as always. suffering by my own hand, again. i haven’t changed, i’ve just adapted. i may never change. and that is the scary part. he said this morning that when people reach a certain age, they become somewhat stuck in their ways. unchangeable. which i believe is true and it’s not. people can change… but their impulses won’t. which leaves me to wonder, as with alcoholics… if they never stop wanting it, have they really changed at all? i mean, if you desire something so badly that it still consumes you even if you have to use all your strength to resist it…. what is the point? is there a point? or is it self-denial just to prove that you can? or to save your own life? but i digress.
i am still at a loss of what to do about this. perhaps i shouldn’t do anything just yet. it’s not as though i can afford to do anything on my own anyway. but that should not be a deciding factor. i hate to think about starting over again. i hate to think i will have to build yet another life for myself. i’m running out of options. i don’t want to make him miserable and if that means letting him go, then that is what i will do. it isn’t fair that he has to suffer because of me and my decisions. he has done so much for me and to help me, it kills me to think that we’re failing. i guess it happens everyday. i’ll miss him, i’ll miss this. i just don’t know what to do.