Where to start?

This could possibly get quite long and rambling…

Its one week short of a year since my grandmother died. The absolute worst day out of my 22 years. I can still see her face and picture the whole scene as she died in my mam’s arms…it kills me every time. I still talk to her, not as much as I should, its still too raw I still get upset just to think about her. This week is gonna be a nightmare, I feel like theres this weight on me, one I hope lifts after the anniversary. We’re having a mass on Saturday and then going back to my aunties house for food so the whole family will be there. Carl won’t be. He’s working on Saturday, I asked him to change his shift because I need him there but he didn’t…he doesn’t care.

Speaking of Carl, I’m not talking to him at the moment. I have this "thing" its not necessarily a fear but I’m overly aware and i suppose fearful of being attacked at night-time. Its not an irrational fear to have, I actually think its quite a good fear to have, when you get too comfortable you become most vulnerable. Anyway this "fear" extends to Carl too, it would kill me to see anything happen to him and he works in quite a dangerous part of town (at least I think its dangerous – someone was shot two streets from where he works at 7 in the evening!) he was working last night till 12am but ended up having to stay late and didn’t get out till closer to 1am. I text him asking him to get a taxi home rather than walking the short 15minute walk…a taxi is SO much safer. He clearly didn’t understand that I was looking out for him and obviously didn’t remember or doesn’t understand my "thing" enough to care what I think. He suffers from anxiety and this is my anxiety I would have though of all people he would understand especially since I have been extremely understanding when it comes to his anxiety even at times when it was really REALLY difficult. Once in our four year relationship he had to remind me of his anxiety and I have NEVER forgotten about it since, it’s on my mind all the time….can we do this, can we go there, what if carl gets anxious…it dictates a lot of what we do but when it comes to my anxiety, for his own safety I ask him to get a taxi and he tells me "ah no, I won’t bother, I’ll be fine". Every time he works the late shift I have either driven the 20miles to collect him and bring him home or back to my house or I’ve had to argue with him to get a taxi. EVERY SINGLE TIME! I’m really bored and sick of having to repeat myself about the same thing over and over and over again. I honestly dunno how much more I can take. He just keeps ignoring me and how I feel. He tells me every day that he loves me but thats just words he doesn’t truely mean it which hurts. He promises and promises he means it but he really doesn’t, I think its a thing where he’s just gotten comfortable with me and is afraid to lose me because he’s afraid of being alone!

As if that wasn’t enough my other grandmother, my one remaining grandparent may have cancer. They found a spot on her kidney and on her lung but the doc said it could be 1 of 5 things so fingers crossed it something treatable!

New topic….My graduation is in 2 weeks, I’ll officially have a degree big woop (note the obvious sarcasm) my nanny is supposed to be going but may be in having a biopsy, we’re not too sure yet. I have a school reunion on Friday too. I wanted to bring Carl for moral support but I’m not even gonna bother asking him now. He won’t want to go.

Bye for now

– Aoife