Oh HAI!

Ten million years ago I last posted in OD. I think I have a new strategy for writing more posts here: think of this as a diary. I’d been conditioned by FB to think about writing for an audience. But really what I want is to write for my future self — something I can look back on and understand the way I used to feel. Or even just as a record of what happened and when it happened.

So while I have all these political rants inside me and fears both rational and irrational, I’m going to stick to what’s important: messages from the past to the future. Right now I’m sitting at my dining room table looking out toward the mountains, slightly shrouded in May Gray clouds. It is a watercolor painting out there. I can see the palm trees and Glendale and Angeles Crest Observatory. A big bouquet of yellow roses arrived today from Brian in advance of my 50th birthday. Brian is generous when he has money and stingy when he is broke. Last night was his 9th sobriety birthday — held at Speranza just a stone’s throw from my house. He had 15 of his closest friends — all AA’s except for me. What!? I don’t have a problem! No, really.

Anyhow, he made a big deal of telling everyone about how when we were a couple he once, accidentally, shit in my ear. It’s a true story. I think I even wrote about it in here at the time — back in the 00’s. It was when Olestra was a thing. He’d eaten a bunch of WOW chips and thought it would be funny to fart on me while I was sleeping. Instead he squirted diarrhea on my head. I ran to the shower, gagging and laughing at the same time. I mean, I had to admit it was funny. Point of story, I wish though he’d not introduced me as “old shit ear” to everyone at the dinner last night. So then this bouquet of 50 roses from Ecuador shows up today so I’m not quite as annoyed.

I’ve been on Noom for 2 months and have lost 12 pounds. I’m fitting into all my skinny clothes — which is quite exciting. I don’t need to lose weight — I’m well within the norms for someone my height. No, I’m losing weight for vanity reasons and midlife crisis reasons. I like to look skinny in photos and knowing that my 50th is coming up there will be photos. Dean is at 12% body fat and I’m at 16% so I feel mushy. All of this is kind of silly but we’re both kind of vain guys. My dad was always my family’s case about not being fat. My mom and sister are actually fat — and my dad gave them hell about it. He was so grossed out by fat and really treated them like shit about it. My mom bought into the self shaming but my sister rebelled and was all like, “fuck you I’m eating this cheesecake.” Good for her. It was easier for me to keep within his standards because, duh, guys have an easier time losing weight. My mom, at 80, is still on the crazy diet thing. My sister has settled into her weight and doesn’t give any fucks about what people think. I’m more like my mom — but at least I know that I’m vain and being thin or fat isn’t a sign of moral character.

School is almost over. I’m not sad about it. I love my students. I’ve had a great year. But I love my summer break. I’m so GD lucky. I get 3 months paid vacation with full benefits. Who gets that? Damn! No wonder they hate liberal elite academia! Jealous is what they are. I’m going to New York for a few days and then I picked up a gig teaching a screenwriting workshop in Shanghai for a week in June. I’ve never been but the Chinese are flying me (business class — it beats a sharp stick in the eye) to talk about how to structure a movie. I kind of suspect they want me to tell them how to make a giant blockbuster film — not my forte but I’ll try. I’d not travelled internationally for a decade, but 2 weeks ago I was in Mexico City and now China. Interesting times.