Gold Dust
As I was listening to Tori’s Gold Dust yesterday, it took me back to the first time I visited you in London. We were laying in your living room in each other’s arms with blankets twisted on the floor. I couldn’t stop touching you, couldn’t stop running my fingers over your arms, your wrist, through your fingers and back up again to your shoulders and neck. Gold Dust was playing through your speakers with the line
“Do I have – of course I have, beneath my raincoat, I have your photographs. And the sun on your face, I’m freezing that frame”
…I remember wanting to capture that moment, and so I did. I can recall everything perfectly and it only takes a melody to pull me back again.
I knew I was chartering dangerous territory yesterday but I couldn’t stop listening. And with each crescendo, there was a rise within me. It made me ache for us, what had been, what we shared, when our limbs and minds were on fire.
I drove home in a daze. There was a pop song on the radio telling a story of how two lovers will never, ever get back together. I laughed but couldn’t change the station. I needed a reminder.
Last night I went to bed and honestly, had nothing on my mind. I was tired from spending a number of failed hours hooking up a wireless ip monitoring system and had just watched The New Normal.
So why then did I spend all night dreaming about you….about us. No doubt the Tori song sparked my unconscious…because there we were, in your old London flat again…and all the intensity…that was there too. All night I dreamt about us…all night the scene never faded. It’s almost too much for me to write it down but for now it plays on in my mind. Between shades of light and darkness…of your skin and my skin… it’s safe with me. It’s something I cherish.
When I woke up, I had this unbearable feeling wash over me. So much so that I imagined myself writing to you, and telling you I couldn’t bear this any longer. I even found myself fantasizing my own death, knowing this isn’t quite the life I wanted. I have everything but you and you’re a much larger portion to my equation of happiness than I ever could have imagined. But don’t worry, I snapped out of those thoughts. I know…I’m melodramatic and drive myself to suffering. It was a fleeting thought and not one to be realistically entertained. But anyhow…I woke with a heavy heart. Showered and dressed with a heavy heart. I compiled text messages to you in my mind, an email, a phone call. All to say what? That I miss you. You’re my heart. And that my world is turned upside down. That if only you were here in Ohio with me…if you were the one raising my niece or nephew with me, that I’d be the luckiest person to have all the love and all the success and enrichment I ever thought possible in this life. I have it all – but you.
I still mean all those things…but I won’t overtly speak those to you. You’re with someone new and in love and I’m with someone now. Although…I’m wondering if I need to sit her down and tell her all this…the extent to which I still miss you. I thought I was doing alright at moving on. And generally, it’s been OK. But even the other night she and I openly talked about it being lackluster…which is difficult to swallow but true. ( ***update*** I sent the person i’m seeing an email confessing the state I’m in….she deserves to know. )
Imagine my surprise when I saw a note from you this morning. Our connection is far from splintered. Imagine my surprise when I saw an entry from you – of you mentioning the very time and location of what I had thought about yesterday afternoon and what I then dreamt. It fuels things inside of me. It validates our connection, thrills me but also frustrates me, given our current situations. I still need to reconcile that I’ll never stop loving you.
sights and sounds
pull me back down
another year
i was here
i was here
whipping past
the reflecting pool
me and you
skipping school
and we make it up
as we go along
we make it up we
go along
you said –
you raced from langley –
pulling me underneath
a cherry blossom
canopy
-do i have-
of course i have,
beneath my raincoat,
i have your photographs.
and the sun on your
face <br style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; font-size: 1em; ” />
i’m freezing that frame
and somewhere alfie cries
and says "enjoy his every smile
you can see in the dark
through the eyes of laura mars"
how did it go so fast
you’ll say
as we are looking
back
and then we’ll
understand
we held gold dust
in our
hands
sights and sounds
pull me back down
another year
i was here
i was here
gaslights
glow in the street
(flickering past)
twilight held us
in her palm
as we walked along
and we make it up
as we go along
we make it up as we go along
letting names
hang in the
air
what color hair
(auburn crimson)
autumn knowingly
stared
and the day that
she came
i’m freezing that
frame
i’m freezing that frame
and somewhere alfie
smiles
and says "enjoy her
every cry
you can see in the
dark
through the eyes
of laura mars"
how did it go so
fast
you’ll say as we are looking back
and then we’ll understand
we held gold dust
in our
hands
in our
hands