London Sail

 It will be nearly a year and 5 months since I left London that I’ll be returning to it. No, I’m not moving back… I’ll be there the first week of September for work…. first in Ireland, then in the UK.  Everyone’s first question seems to be the same… "Are you going to see M?" The answer is no. She doesn’t even know I’m going, nor do I have any reason to even look for her in a crowd. She’ll be in Brighton, tucked far enough away from any chance meeting. 

I think…I’m dreading the return. Anyone should be thrilled to be in London. It’s a great city and I lived there for a few years and know how to easily get around now but still… there’s dread. Is it the flight? The returning memory? I don’t know… but my heart is heavy. Maybe once I’m there, I won’t want to return. That’s possible too… there are things and people that I miss but my home is here now. Will I always be one foot in, one foot out? London and everything it resembles of my past life seems to be a distant flicker for me. Please don’t let me fall from all I’ve worked so hard at. I’m picturing myself staring at St. Paul’s across the river Thames and taking in all the energy around me…it’s the residual past that scares me. How to form new memories in the same place…. that is the goal. I don’t want to breakdown in the place we used to so frequently visit.