Making sense of it all

 July 30th

“I can’t go – you said so – but threads that are golden don’t break easily.”

I don’t want to talk about it. Doing so will only soften the numbness. How many days has it been now? 18 give or take. Not a single word spoken, not a sentence written.  You carved into me and off you went into the drift, making it impossible for me to follow. This one heavy thought has manifested into a glacial ridge –detectable by our separation. My grief is wide, blinding and silent. Not even you know the extent of it.

“Mmmm what you say – that you only meant well, well of course you did mmm what you say – that it’s all for the best? Of course it is mmmm whatcha say? Mmm that it’s just what we need, you decided this, whatcha say? Mmmm what did she say?

August 7th

The above paragraph feels like ages ago and yet it was only last week. I’ve been careful not to use my own words, so I turn to my muses. I feel like…I should be writing more on the subject. But I just don’t have it in me.  I don’t believe this is the end of the road but it might well be a road not travelled for quite some time…and I’m okay with that. What I’m not okay with is knowing you didn’t want this and hearing you sob on the phone.  I didn’t want this either and prepared myself to fight for our friendship. But your love for her prevailed in the end. It seemed the selfless thing for you to do and you requested I selflessly do the same thing and that if hey, you two ever separate you’ll reach out to me again. What am I to do? You had already decided for us. So off you go…another thread splintered. And I want you to know I miss you not in my life, for however long that might be.

My connections don’t thread like yours…but I’m learning a world without you in it. And already, I seem to be surprising myself…filament by filament…there’s design in all this possibility.