05/10/2012

Just when I told myself yesterday and literally out loud, that I needed to move on from you, you show up, yet again, in my dream. Why does it seem so real and why do I wake up with a heart that is swelling and empty at the same time?

Your hand slipped into mine. My  right shoulder, stomach, and legs tenderly pressed into yours. Your weight shifted into me and our heads lowered, cheek against cheek.  I felt I was returning home to you and god, it felt so good. In all the rooms of my mind, I was led directly to you, standing in my kitchen. You were chopping chives. And I was out of breath from running. I had finally found us once again. 

We talk often. I enjoy hearing your voice and you know just exactly how I feel. She’s a big part of your life now and sometimes you talk about her but with trepidation. I wonder how you talk about her with others. Just how gregarious are you and with what strength and frequency is the surge of your gush for her? You love her, you must. We try to keep our conversations on current trends. We try not to muddle our vision with our past life. We love each other but the damage I caused is too much for us to go back to being lovers. We were friends first – why not return to the place we started? So this is where we are. Friends. We need each other, in whatever capacity that might be beyond our understanding. How will the people in our lives cope with that? How can you be true to yourself when it causes hurt in others? I think about it from your girlfriend’s perspective…it helps me keep course. 

We talked on the phone for 40 minutes yesterday and passionately over American and British politics. 40 minutes in the blink of an eye. It’s only when the credit on your phone ran low that you had to go. Do you do the same with her? Perhaps I don’t want to know…besides, we’re just friends, right? It’s okay…I’d rather be your friend than not have any contact at all. I just need to make a stronger push to move forward…and I do think I’ll get there.