Rejection

Last night I heard the news of the death of Kathrynn, my Great Grandmother. She had died Friday, April 27th at the age of 97. Why did I only discover this yesterday? It’s a difficult story to digest, even after all these years.

I’ve never met my Great Grandmother. How about we take that one step further – I’ve never met her son either; that being my Grandfather. All I know, are pieces of stories told by my Grandmother and the feeling of my own rejection.

First what I know and then we’ll get to my rejection: My Grandmother J met and fell in love with a man named Joel M. They married and had two sons, a year apart – Joel Jr and Jeff. Jeff’s my father. Within a year after my father’s birth, Joel fell for a much younger girl – I say girl because she was only 15 – and left my Grandmother with two small boys, never to look back. It was around that same time, that my Grandfather’s family decidedly followed suit and quietly turned a blind eye. His family lived in the same town and for reasons unknown, stopped all communication with my Grandmother. Throughout the years my Grandmother tried to reunite with that side of the family as the boys grew older but all those efforts went without success.  And then came the period when the boys turned to juvenile delinquents – My Grandmother will say she did all she could, raising two boys without a father and that because of the lack, they acted out. I don’t know all the stories with my uncle, but I do know my father has been in trouble with the law since he was 9 years old…since he was caught throwing rocks into the windows of parked cars in parking lots. As the background goes, some say this is the reason why my Grandfather’s family wanted nothing to do with them  – but as my Grandmother has recently pointed out, this started before the boys were even 2yrs old.

My understanding is that as the boys got older, my Grandfather would make sporadic appearances. Memory is fuzzy but I think there may have been a time when my father actually left home to live with my Grandfather. But something made my father come back. And all the while, my Grandfather’s family kept turning a blind eye.  This angered and hurt my Grandmother….

Fast forward. I first learned of my Great Grandmother when I was 10 years old. I didn’t quite understand how or why I had a living relative that lived in the same town as me that I hadn’t yet met. I thought it odd, but did or felt nothing more about it. When I turned 15, however, I was in search of a side of the family that I never knew – a side that I share their last name with. Not knowing where my grandfather was, I knew my Great Grandmother still lived in Atown. I looked her name up in the yellow pages and dialed her number. I still remember the anticipation as the phone rang but alas, it went to voicemail and I left a message indicating that I was her granddaughter, 15  and interested in meeting. I got nothing. No response…I made several attempts and every time I only got silence in return.

When I was 18 and graduating, I decided to make another attempt at contacting her. I mailed her a picture of my senior photo and expressed interest in meeting her. To my surprise I got something back in the mail – but all I received was a plain check for $50.00. Nothing more, nothing less. I was furious. I was hurt. I was frustrated and confused. So I wrote it off, wrote her off…and swept the hurt and rejection somewhere inside me. I’ve always thought about that side of the family. It’s hard to ignore it when you share the same last name and the same town. But as the years went by, and as I matured, the hurt was nothing but a dull reminder.

On Sunday I was watching a genealogy show and thought of her. 1/4 of our DNA comes from our Grandparents… a 1/16 from our great grandparents. I thought it strange that I have 1/16 of this woman’s DNA in me, yet I know very little about her  –  and the same goes for my grandfather. I had already come to the realization that I would never meet her and found it almost comical that I am 31 and have a great grandparent still living. So it came as no shock when I heard the news yesterday.

My family…my Grandmother, my Father, my Uncle and cousins…we all carry a certain amount of anger. None of us are certain if we should go to the funeral out of respect. Some are deciding to ignore it all together – but for me…I can’t. Here is this family, that has wanted nothing to do with us…and now they are grieving. I decided…I’m not like them…I’m not one to turn a blind eye….yet, I don’t have the confidence or strength to walk into a room full of strangers that share my DNA. So I went to the funeral memorial page and posted a message with the other messages. I wrote:

“Although I never met my Great Grandmother and surrounding family, I want you to know I’m sorry for your loss and you’re in my thoughts”

And I felt good about that. I wanted them to know that I was aware and sincerely wished them well. This was my way of reaching out again despite histories.

And yet…within a matter of an hour, my posting was removed. The other messages were still intact…except mine…as if I never happened. Why? I can’t make sense of it. Even as a grown adult.

The mind will play all sorts of scenarios and it’s easy to believe your own stories. Mine fall short…I only know what my grandmother has told me about the past…but I have experienced first hand my own rejection 3x now. When I was younger I used to think they wanted nothing to do with me because I was my father’s daughter. Because he has a past and that they might think I’m a representation of him. But I know it’s not true…and if anything, it’s their loss. When I was 18 I thought they wanted nothing to do with me because maybe they thought I was after old money – hence the $50.00 check to “keep me quiet.” Yes – they do come from old money. Yes, they have a long history of Doctors and Lawyers and prominent businessmen… It’s not hard to think they want nothing to do with you because you’re an offshoot of blue collared workers and because I grew up poor. Did they perceive my grandmother, and her children as a threat? Did they perceive me as a threat too? At 31, I still have questions. At 31 I still have hurt. I try to look at it from all possible sides known to me, and I come up empty handed. Today’s latest rejection does not surprise me…yet I am human and had hoped for the best. Someone was monitoring that memorial page. Someone didn’t want the public to know Kathrynn has a great granddaughter…someone clearly wants to erase us from their past. But why? That’s the burning question. <br

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***Update – the comment is back up on the website. It could very well be that an administrator was monitoring it. I fully acknowledge how sensitive I am in the wake of all of this. I must remember to be patient and not make assumptions…even when history suggests the expected outcome. Since I cannot control the actions of others, I can only control my own…if I could only focus on how to make the best use of my own energy, then I might be able to heal from this. I do not know why I possess an eager passion to know my history and the history of my ancestors. Take last as an example….I learned much from Kathrynn’s obituary. It was full of color from her youth and I found the names of her parents…so I researched their names and found a 1902 AHS graduating class photograph with my Great Great Grandfather. I studied his features and found an immediate resemblance. And then I found details on his father and mother. I’m a good researcher – perhaps too good…was this productive energy? Busy energy? Of what use does it serve me. Perhaps if I put more energy into my living relatives…the ones that have invested the time and care in knowing me. And why is it so important to me? What am I looking to solve? Endless questions for an endless journey….