On my Mind

 

 

 What other reason would I be here but things are on my mind….

We went to Pittsburgh for the weekend and that’s a story too but not the one that’s on my mind at this instant. We went to my In Laws for a cook out and such tonight as  we usually do.  Its was at my in laws house…..  (remember this is my late husbands parents)  It was me and the kids…Andrew and Jonathan. Dennis didn’t go.

So we are there and the kids are playing.  There was a push toy near an Aunt of  my late husband’s.  She threw it nearly missing Jonathan’s head.  It hit the truck he was pushing and surprised and scared him.   I wanted to say what the hell did you throw it so close to him for but just couldn’t.  She’s confrontational and I didn’t want to confront her about it.   That bugged me enough and then  a little later he tried to drive that truck through the people to get to me.    She screamed at him to get that thing out of here to the point he shook and cried like her was hurt.   I picked him up and comforted him and he kept screaming mommy. ( I knew he wasn’t hurt but he was scared when he did that)   I felt so bad for him he was shaking.  "Now look he got you all dirty!" she said nastly to me.   I was mad.  WTF?? Am I not suppose to comfort my crying 2 yr old that YOU scared !! I again didn’t say anything but comforted my little guy whom was hot and probably very thristy, didn’t have a nap and was playing nicely.  

This bothers me and the last thing she did was to make it a point for him to get his truck and put it away… None of the other kids had to pick up but he did.   He’s the youngest one out of all of them.   He listens very well and is fairly behaved for a 2 yr old.   I think it was mean how she was treating him.  I know he’s not technically part of that family BUT there’s no reason to treat him like that. She’s an adult hell in her 60’s SHE KNOWS BETTER!!!  

 

It bugs me……
1. I didn’t kill him
2. I didn’t cheat on him

Dennis wasn’t "My Back up plan" when Rich passed away…

I was 32 Yrs old when he past away! Am I not suppose to live my life or be wallowing in my sadness for the rest of my life???

 Its now been almost 5 yrs….
His Birthday was Saturday…. he would have been 40 yrs old.  
Do you think I don’t think about it???
Do you think even though I’m with someone else that I can just go on like nothing happened.?? 
Its there…Its ALWAYS there. Its whether or not I want to let it be known that its there.

I wanted to scream from the roof top.HELP ME he’s sick. Someone PLEASE Tell me what to do.
All I got was he’s faking it… there’s nothing wrong with him…. its all in his head.

I banged my head against the wall as everything led to a dead end. I feared every night he would die….EVERY NIGHT
Till it was making me sick  too.
I could wake at a bit of sound.  But hot spells , air condtions and a migraine headache….. didn’t wake me to him falling to the ground

Nobody should have to be a widow at the prime of their life with a small child.
I have to live with this daily.

4 yrs 10months and a a few days

Plenty of time to heal or is it.???

They say death leaves you with a hole that you can’t ever fill. somehow this is comforting and knowing this gets me through to live and to be.  That its ok for me to deal with what comes.

But taking stuff out on a litle boy when nothing is his fault is stupid.  He’s not in control of his parents. He doesn’t know the story as to why she’s being mean to him.  Its not his fault what happened.  To me he’s a ray of  hope.  After all the problems I had (miscarriage and then the death of Andrew’s father) to get to create and embrace a newly created life is a blessing. He is a blessing. I love him with all my heart.   I know I’m lucky to have him

I don’t know if the fact Andrew is special needs on top of it, doesn’t help. (I don’t like that term, but I guess I have to give into that fact he is) and so far I can tell Jonathan is very smart. 

 

 Now what to do…..should I approach my MIL about her sister (the one that’s being mean) and tell her about it.???