Life Lessons

I have a ton on my mind and don’t think I can get even a little of it down.  

I’ve been listening to some Christmas music trying to get into the holiday spirit.  I don’t know its harder when your an adult  as it losses the excitement. Your too busy trying to get all your Christmas shopping done  to relax and think about the time.  Andrew’s gotten to the point he doesn’t believe in Christmas, Doesn’t believe in flying reindeer  or anything like that.   He asks me if I believe in Santa too.  I would like him to believe in the magic of Christmas.  That  in this age were you expect and especially at that age a lot of razzle dazzle that life is more simple and the littlest stuff is the most important.   I want to tell him the miracle we got one year for Christmas when he was Jonathan’s age.   That bleak was bleak. Food was scarce  and  I couldn’t stand even listening to a Christmas song as it only reminded me of our desperation.   We had enough money to go home to NY and 2 crappy cars that we didn’t know if they would break down on the way there.  Enough money meaning maybe $40. It took a full tank of gas to get home and money for the border crossings and lunch.   (Glad gas was cheaper then).   But we needed food too. We didn’t have any extra money for food  or presents for anyone.  We were suppose to get food stamps but they were delayed and we had to make some drastic decision to ditch going.  I got the time off of work (unpaid of course).   We didn’t even have a Christmas tree.  We did make a trip to the food pantry to last us but it was only for 3 days.   I sat there watching Andrew play wracked with worry.  What if we did come home and didn’t have gift for anyone even if we did get to go.  It was almost better to stay home than even have to deal with the embarassment of saying we are too poor guys. We have nothing to give.  I know they would have understood but pride wish it sucks.  I was at least  glad that Andrew was too young to care what was going on, What he was missing.   Rich told me later he went out and screamed at God.   Why?? I go to church?  What the hell did we do to deserve this?? He was really big into going to church and he went from being normal to a very sick person that  year.   A knock came at the door …it was about 2 weeks before Christmas when this was all taking place.  4-5 HUGE boxes came. We opened them. Tears came to my eyes…..they were filled with food, gifts not only for Andrew but us.  It was beyond my wildest dream that  anybody would do this and at our lowest hour.  I think its time I instilled that with Andrew.  He’s got toys he hasn’t used or opened in a year.  Time to teach him about donating.

I sat in a meeting room today with the advisory board updating policies for the health insurance company.  It blew me away the stuff that they have to deal with in there to make everybody happy, the government, the state, legality of the insurance company to what they cover and so forth. In a small room with 5 doctors in 5 different fields of interest and staff members making decisions on what the policy is for when you are sick.  Interesting.  I still sometimes can’t believe I’m getting paid this amount to do what I do. It’s like my worlds collide. I have Andrew’s service coordinator now that is suppose to do all the ground work for me  anything I need she will do.  They sent me a list of food pantries the other day. Like I need it now but I think I may take it to work as that’s what we do.  We help the members do what they can to stay healthy and you need to eat right??   I don’t need it as I don’t deal with my county  but I know someone that would.