Tomorrow

The day will come and go like any other day…..as it does this time every year and yet I can’t help thinking about it.  I don’t say much to anybody about it..  I came acrossed a  few sympathy cards today as I was cleaning the place.  Some reading I can’t imagine how hard this is on you and your family.   *sigh.   They say time heals, but time doesn’t forget what was.   What I lost. Reading that I know how I felt that day well maybe not that day.  I was numb.   I sat there most of the day in my in-laws family room watching Andrew play.   People came and went , cried on my shoulder, me almost comforting them patting them back.  Numb. Didn’t want to eat move or do much of anything but breath.  Kept thinking I know the steps of grief and I’m not in denial, anger, so forth…… When do they come??  I wanted them to come and be over in record time.  A  week and I will be fine…piece of cake.   It never really works out that way does it??   its like watching a baby and seeing them develop and hoping yours is smarter than the others. In reality they all do it the same and if they are a little ahead it doesn’t last long.   As days, months, years go by……. you know people expect you to have  move on.   The pitty turns into your milking it.  Whatever…. 

4 years…… it seems like forever ago but I still remember everything like it was yesterday.  Some of it scares  me this year.   I took Andrew to the  library program which was the same as 4 years ago…Reptiles.  Its hotter than hell, there are tons of butterflies this year and for the first time since that year I can have him go to vacation bible school at his church.  A lot of similarities.  Andrew is now double the age of when he died. A life time ago to him.  

As I know I will go about my day I know I will keep this to myself.   Probably not mentioned at all.  I don’t think Dennis even knows the date of his death.  Its just too weird to him as he knows he wouldn’t be with me if he didn’t die and I understand that. Its kind of  like that  with  his mother’s too. Her date of death is my birthday. its one of our unspoken things I guess. 

I should write about my  regular droning life.  But I will pass for now.