My Real Life

I should make a blog like everybody else….The real blog …my real life and not the pics I put up of a wonderful family. The pain, grief sorrow and all that other stuff..  I’ve still been drawn to people posting things like that on there blog for the world to see. I guess I am here and that’s why I don’t put it in my blog.  I keep it real here. The good bad and ugly.  Even here I sometimes leave out details and such as I know how some of it would look and people can be so judgemental.  Most of my frustrations are in here and its different from my blog life.   Its the extra stuff like, still dealing with grief and my total disreguard for dealing with what went on during that time.  There are those in society that don’t understand that there’s no time limit to ones grieving.  They think you are drawing it out if you mention it  and dwelling on the past when in reality it doesn’t go away. its there but most people expect for you to have moved on and roll there eyes at the mention of it.  I know who cares what people say I’m not them and in all intense and purposes I have moved on.  If you looked at what I have done since he died in the few short years, I rocked.  In 13 days it will be 4 years since he past……. in that 4 years I’ve become a Respiratory Therapist and have had a baby and have Dennis in my life. I really haven’t sat back and felt sorry for myself  for what all went on.   Hell at times its almost too painful: 

We both watch alot of Seinfeld  a few nights ago there was an episode about were Elaine goes to the doctor and the doctor won’t treat her because she is difficult.  Dennis jokes sound like my life. In a way he’s right about that as he is hard to get along with and we are looking for a new pychiatrist b/c of it.  But every time I see that one I think back to when Rich was sick and we would go to the hospital, he was having seizures and they would be all concerned and then they would go look at his chart. ONE Doctor….that’s all it took.  One Fucking Dumb Ass doctor wrote that he had conversion disorder and that was the end of them treating him nice.  They were TOTALLY different walking into the room after that.  There  concern was gone and it turned into (although they never said it) your wasting our time as you are a mental patient.   I could sense this and we for along time didn’t know that was in his chart.  Till we moved and I got a bunch of the records.  ONe of his 1st hospital visits he was having numbness and difficulty moving his hands and fingers, its why we went and he was admitted.  He was suffering from low potassium, low magnesium, and low calcium.  Severe enough they cause problems  with your muscles and moving them along with other problems including heart.   His was severe why he was hopitalized. The hospital neurologist comes in and with all these electrolytes being pumped into him has given him his strength back  and muscle movement back  doesn’t look at the chart and says its conversion disorder.   It psychosomatic and so every time he went to the hospital this happened.  There was 2 hospitals in this city but the doctors would switch all the time and we would see the same ones as the other hospital and they knew him…… It was so bad that  they would not treat him one night he went to the ER  for severely high blood pressure and they released him.  He had an appointment with his family doctor the next morning coincidently and not uncommon, he didn’t even take the ER bracelet off his wrist before going there as it was only a few hours after and he came home and slept.  The  doctors office took his blood pressure and it was through the roof .  You need to go to the hospital the nurse tells him.  I was just there, he said showing off the braclet on his wrist.
Well you need to go back , your blood pressure is too high. the nurse said.
That’s why we were there and they released me like this. He said back.
I don’t know why they didn’t treat you but there’s nothing we can do with you blood pressure that high.  With that they call the ambulance and we went to the other local hospital in MI.   I had to go home and get some stuff knowing he was going to the hospital and it would be awhile. Andrew was only 19 months or there abouts.  As I was in the parking I heard the ambulances sirens go off and I knew where they were coming.  I was swearing ..frustrated by this.  It kind of hurts to look back at this time of Andrew’s life knowing what I had to put up with and him being at that age were all they do is get into everything.  

Its not to say there aren’t challenges now and decisions I’ve had to make.