05/31/2010* E It got worse

Some things irk me sometimes….

I got a card in the mail last week from my Aunt and Uncle Congratulating me on graduation.  In it , it said We love your blog, you do so much with the boys.   I thought about that.  Dennis’s sister says the same. MY FATHER on the other hand tells me….Oh you know Tanner (my brother’s GF boy 18 months older than Andrew. He’s really getting all kinds of culture  and worldy with them going places all the time. don’t you want yours to be like that too?? Looking at me like I don’t do anything with them as I don’t much leave this area.  You see they travel, mostly up to Canada to Toronto and do whatever there.  Sometimes other places but mainly that on.   I feel like a loser and that  I shelter my kids after his comments.  Again we stay local and go to cheap/ free  activites.

You can see what we do here: 

 http://andrewandjonathansblog.blogspot.com/

 Although I grieve and such and I realize this is a difficult time for my in laws family His birthday was Friday and today is memorial day some how I feel like I’m grieving less than them and have always felt that way.  His mother can’t talk about the  funeral anymore than I can tolerate talking about the whole thing.  I can talk about the funeral but before I have a hard time with.  I felt like I fought the battle alone and I did. They were in denial and I know this. They thought most of it was in his head. They listened to his one doctor whom broke some HIPPAA laws and told them straight out that he was a mental case. They knew everything, after all they are wiser and older than me.  You grow up listening to your doctor and take everything they say as the truth. You don’t question their judgement.  I fought. I didn’t believe it.  I was told some screwed up stuff that would have potentially killed me, I question judgement if I don’t like it. But I know that’s why it stings then for them and not so for me.  The funeral that is.   The funeral was almost like a relief.  I know I treat it as such.  I have no problem talking about the funeral.   The emotional stuff that went on before hand though……I have a hard time
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EDIT*****

I went to my parents to swim and it turned ugly.  Andrew was entertaining himself in the pool as we were all in it. My parents and Jonnie and I.  He’s 8 he tries going underwater and playing his own games as he’s the only "kid" Jonnies too little to do that stuff.   He accidentally got too close to my father and splashed him.    My father reamed him and splashed the hell out of him. The poor kid was in tears.  Stop I said he didn’t mean it.   Yeah he did!! My father was pissed.  Are you kidding me!!!!  If you were even slightly paying attetion he was in hos own little imaginary world splashing and not paying attention.   So a few minutes later he swam underwater and popped up near my father.  Mind you my father was just floating in a tube around a 19′ pool not staying in one place.  GOD he’s near me again trying to get me. This time he didn’t even splash him or touch him.  He came up from underwater right next to his tube.  He’s doing it on purpose!!! He screams at him!!!He’s following me around. This time Andrew goes running out of the pool again in tears.   We  call him back and tell him to only swim in a particular area.  I start in. NO splashing, no going underwater, no moving.  My mother goes that’s not fair.   What else do you want me to do??  Dad will be pissed off otherwise.   Fine I’m leaving he said  you assholes can do what you want.

 I hate it I told my mother he treats me like shit and the kids like shit. I can’t do anything right in his eyes. I’m a loser. I told her  about what I complained about earlier here and that  what he thinks of Andrew as he’s special needs.  I’m treated by him like I’m low life scum.  You know your father. I do and that’s why I don’t come over very much anymore.  This went on and I went inside to give him money.  Why?? Because he’s the type that if I use something I have to pay for it.  I don’t want you money. You need counseling, I feel sorry for your kids…. he tells me.  I have felt like crying all night long.  That Hurt…..

As I stood in the parade I was happy for Andrew. This was the 2nd time he was in a parade. Guess how many I was in as a kid?? ZERO> Was I in girl scouts…nope.  All I ever participated in was swim team.   Nothing else. (wrong..2 art classes back to back summers) They will say well you wouldn’t have done it anyway.  If you told me I probably would have said no as a child but I wouldn’t have known what girl scouts was or what was involved.  I was shy so I said No to everything.