05/22/2010 *E

 I should be happy, on top of the world.  I did it. I made it through the classes and graduated as a respiratory therapist.  Why the hell am I so down in the dumps??? I have my graduation, pinning ceremony tonight.  An accomplishment, its finally over. Nothing.  I feel nothing.  I had a hard day yesterday.  Some stuff came up and I wasn’t happy.  One was I had to get a note from his doctor stating he can’t work.  The people that need the note KNOW he can’t.  They aren’t doctors.  We all know that it was a major battle to get him to a pychiatrist that would take him and not to be totally offended by him.  She’s giving him a hard time. What f you got a job?  Oh I could go into that but whatever…. Its to the point I don’t know if I want to deal with all of this crap again.    Not to mention there’s toilet issues and what I thought would be a quick fix is looking more like a major overhaul.  

I took a breif nap  yesterday when your kind of in that twilight period…no quite asleep but not quite awake.  Its were sometimes unusual  stuff happens to cross your mind.  The answers to the universe or more question.  The question that floated in was "why are we here?"
Seriously why get up in the morning. Why go to work ?why help people? We all end up in the same place eventually.  Does it matter in the long run?  Do you want to be remembered if you aren’t coming back here?  Is this some test??  Somehow gorging on food and weighing 600lbs sounds like a good deal.  What the hell why not.  so I wake from my stupor and am depressed.  Really, the only reason its not doable is I love the smiling face of that tiny cherub,the mischevious  Jonathan.   It puts me in a funk that’s hard to shake.   I lay around th e house most of the evening, not in the mood to do a damn thing.  

I’m in a little better spirits today but not much…

*Edit

I’m back from the ceremony with a grin and satisfied as how it went.  I didn’t get any awards but after the beginning of this semester I was just hoping I would be there.  The Dean was there and saw me.  "So you did everything you were suppose to and your graduating?"  I smiled BIG  and said "YES I DID" that was my reward.   Nothing beats that.  Later Chris (sorry- Mr Naughty) spoke to me and congratulated on finishing. If I didn’t have Jonathan in my arms and maybe a few alcoholic drinks I would have probably would have been nasty but he was nice so I’m happy.   I now FEEL like I did accomplish it!!  GO ME!!!