Only One??

I am going to try to get through my last week…although I do not feel like writing…and I really need to start another diary…cause I dislike writing in this one…since this is for other things

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and on that note
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I had the week off…and it was joyously wonderful…although…I did some major relfection n contemplation…not like that is anything new for me…but I actually did it in a more peaceful manner this time around and I actually feel like I made it somewhere with it all..rather than just merely adding to my copious dangling beginnings with no ends n vise versa (yes I am capable of ending before beginning….most are…n just do not know it)….the peacefulness was/is kinda strange…chalk it up to growing up a tad? haha…doubtful
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I went to the cottage with a friend of mine M….I left work @ 1 on Friday and we would head up…..it took forever to get there but it was damn worth it…
– I went kayaking….saw a beaver which almost made my heart stop!….I was paddling along and saw out of the corner of my eye this brown thing come up splash and swim away…I was in the middle of nowhere…it was the last thing I was expecting…but when it finally registered…it was quite neat (lol neat?…oh yah ill have another sip of my wine dedede)
– we all played Wii….which was great after kayaking for an hour n half…bring on the boxing!
– went for my- becoming- semi "notrious" walks….and messed up my feet quite a bit since the only shoes I brought with me were flip flops…which are def not mean for 3 hour walks on dirt roads….but….not much will stop me from going (scary but true)
– brother has decided to start seeing this chick I do not like one bit….we actually know her from up there when we were kids….did not like her then either 😀   
– we actually had a conversation about her previously….he asked me a question about her actions… (i.e. msgin him etc)  I told him to be careful cause it sounded like she was looking for a baby dada….I was semi joking but not with that comment
– she has a 2 year old and when i saw them together up there…..my comment just became even more true…so I spoke with him again about it….he bascially dismissed the whole thing- "thats her problem"….even when I told him that she is thinking different things then he is….which made my stomach turn since I know my brother is actually not an asshole but what he is doing….and what he said equates asshole
– mind you…the way our family works he is going to be the one hurt…with this all….which I am well aware of…and I told him I did not like her…and I will make sure she goes away and did my lil cute *grin* since you better believe….I am not that nice of a girl when it comes down to it…especially when it comes to my three family members, 2 pets, and friends
– she already knows I dont like her….so its only a matter of time…..you put us in a room too long together…and pretty sure I will say something……..I have tendencies to speak my mind 😉
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– lordy there was one day where we bascially started drinking at dinner….and I was actually okay….still….M not so much…but me being me…I decided I was going to go for a walk…M came along…we put our drinks in water bottles and went on our way
– we walked for a real long time and it was starting to get dark…so we started to walk back…..once again me being me….I heard some music….so I was like HEY…lets go see those people…..M is pretty shy….but she will go along with my craziness lol…. I told her if they were nuts or whatnot get ready to run
– so walked over and they would end up being pretty old….like 40’s old…2 guys and their wives
– well does that stop me?….oh no no….I walk up on the deck and we all start talking….and when I have been drinking….I talk…talk n talk lol…..anyways…it would only get worse since they kept bring us out beer…so now I was drinking wine and beer *blinks* NOT a good combo….I was def. feeling it by the 3rd beer…..they made us smores though….and we realized that they knew some of the parents of the people we used to know from our old cottage…..teeny tiny world!!
– my mum would come by…since she thought we got lost (I blame M for this since my parents have NEVER come to look for me ever!…I was not very happy about the situation but oh well lol)…the woman had this whole convo with my mum….I just went back up on the deck and we all continued on our way….
– as the night went on….this woman would tell M over n over again to stick with me….and that I was "good" for her….I think that had to do with the fact that M was so shy and I was sitting there like I have known these people for 20 years
– mind you this woman would then give me the speech that I have heard quite a few times….and it has alway made me think….she went on this whoooole long thing about what I wanted to do with myself…and the fact that I should be doing all these great things….what great things? I have no idea….but apparently the job I have now…she was like no no you need to be doing something else…you need to be teaching or something….whole potental thing or something….
– this is not the first time I have had people say things like this to me….I honestly am not sure where it comes from….or why people think it of me….although people also think some twisted bad things about me too…so grain of salt I say
– I do find it strange though…since I actually had a woman today at work go into the same long speech with me…about what I was doing working here….with a law degree….and the way I am (whatever that means) I apparently should not be there…..and forget about P- the woman that I am closest to…she tells me on a daily basis to get out of there and I should be doing other things with myself….I am not sure if this is just because they do not like their job or what….
– why I find the repeated comments even more strange is because on top of my feeling(s) that I always was going to die young (which could have been me almost dying in nov…not quite sure….but the dying feelings have lifted a bit)….I have this deep feeling that I am suppose to be doing all these things (it is not clear what the things are….but they just feel important?)  It probably sound very silly….and I wonder if other people have that……like I would guess that alot of people have plans of making something of themselves…yah know….but this is slightly different…the importance…factor…is almost unnerving……I have thought about it quite a bit…but it is still so unclear….in terns of what the "things" are….and if it is just some twisted "human" defense mechinism to bring hope….
– since I tend to be a be all or nothing chick…the importance almost would have to come by default…since…just a general "making something of oneself" is just not good enough for me….not to bring hope anyways…
– and this is not to get twisted either….since…I am generally not a "hopeful" person….I do consider myself a realist….with a huge side dish of idealism just to spice things up…..its a great combo…its enough to throw me in a padded room
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M and I would come home in separate cars….since her dad brought hers up there…and she wanted it when we went back…
– I followed her back….and of course did things go smooth? ha!…other than the 3 accidents we got stuck in…when we were about 25 mins from home…(although I had NO idea where we were- I am sooo typical female with directions I have no idea where I live (i am not joking) or where I am going half…wait….most of the time 🙂
– we stopped at a light….I honestly looked like complete crap….I just threw my hair up put on a tank top n jogging pants…and started to head home….some random….decided to hang out his window at the light…trying to get my attention….waving his arms etc etc…I could see something out the side of my eye so I finally looked over…and…he actually was not ugly…but he was honestly almost outside of his van…through the window…so I laughed…that was probably not the best of plans…cause then he smiled at me and started to follow….which was very bad since I could not try to lose him since I would get lost….so i had to make a real quick turn at a light…..n he kept going straight….sheesh….
– M and I went to the the spa….which was very nice.
– had a massage which my work will pay for….thank gawd! had a facial and my nails done (I combined a few colours since I apparently have to be difficult….I just do not like having anything the same as other people…if I can help it…..)
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– I thought about E and flower dood….and I have concluded that they are kinda similar…which does not surprise me….since they are so close together in timing….this I would link to the whole karmic astrology stuff…..
– I really rather stay away fom saying "never’s" and "ever’s" since…I have pretty much broken everything I have ever said in terms of nevers…..but I do not see myself with flower dood…..and I am pretty sure part of this is because I am not ready to be with anything or anyone……but….I have this feeling that he just wanted to sleep with me…..
– why do I think that….because I have had time to think about things….and…well of course…he stopped calling…after I basically told him a bit about E and the fact that I would not sleep with him (I actually did not say it like that….for once in my life….but….def was the jist of it all)
– all of sudden the dood that was calling me 8 times a day….stopped….not once has he called….and when I had to ask him a question at work today he actually avoided speaking with me and just left me a msg….
– I would say I was surprised….but I am not….I am not even upset
– I think he wanted to sell me some dream….I think he thought he knew me…..and he thought I was maybe treated so badly in the past….that he could swoop in and "show me the light"
– once again this is all speculation…..I do have other theories….but I have not put that much thought in any of them…nor do I care to….
– it is real easy for me to walk away since I do not like him to care for him…if that makes any sense….I do think he is a good guy….however I think since his girlfriend of 10 years….screwing him over (bascially) has def made a mark on him…and he is not in the same place I am….I think he is out there to now just go around and "have fun" since he has never had that……..and somehow he thought I might be the one to do this with???
– OI wrong girl…wrong wrong girl
– but anyways….we shall see how this unfolds…since I have now turned my cell off….I rather not speak with him….if he cares to leave a msg…he can go ahead….and when I have a moment….I will call him on his work phone….
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– I have concluded that 30 + year olds def have a different way of going about things….and I think my navie/idealistic view once again has made me learn things the hard way…
– not to group and generalize…..since I am basing this on 2 people…..but what I have gathered is that….the approach changes….from the younger doods….(mind you assholes are every age) but some of the ones that learn that…or think that if they just treat a woman….the way they have heard they should…. it will get them further…which is very true in most cases….however the problem with this is that if you do not mean it….it is the same shit as the doods that are out right a**holes…..being a closet a**hole….does not negate anything….and it is actually just worse if they do not even realize what they are doing….since it drags on n on
-for some reason I always had this whole "they are older they should know better" thing….going on…and it is not necessarily true at all!……and even if it is true….the ones that do know better….are just closet a**holes…..
– now by no means is this everyone….and blah blah blah….I do not want to hear anything about me being bitter….or any of that…since this is just observations of my experiences…..and reality is as such…
– I think E did care at some point….more than he wanted to….(as did I)…we let things go…..however he caught himself and just fell flat on my face….
– flower dood there is no care there I do not think…we do not even know one another….if there is a care…it would just be a general care….of like….it would sux if I died…type of care…a bit more…but you get the idea
– I still believe that I have meet him for a reason though….since he does understand what I have been going through…and my selfishness (that I have tried to be careful with) in terms of him helping me get over E- although I think I was over him…to even think about going out with flower dood….but I am just paranoid about this rebound thing people talk about….never been there before…and I do not want to put anyone through that
– bad I know but true….I had someone else to think about for a bit….I had a chance to stop crying every night….although I was not the one that up n started kissing him…I would not have kissed him at all….I donot think….regardless of my like for him….since I did not want to rush things…I do not want them to turn into what happened with E…at the end of the day I still have a love for E…..I do not want to….and there is a growing list of reasons why I can not and will not be with him….
– I think that whole love E fight though…is so greatly tied with my viriginity still…which is something I still have not come to terms with…..there is a lil part of me left that still just wishes E understood what he took from me…and how much it meant to me…the fact that it doesnt mean the same to him makes that even worse….
– but anyways…I have now made myself upset and I have to go to bed
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 – I have other things to write but will do so later…and I will read diaries…as well</div>