no effort

when he says that he doesn’t put in 100%, i think it’s true…but it’s really difficult to do so in a situation such as ours…it’s not really possible…which is what fucks with my mind…and makes things stressful…but i don’t want the "relationship" to stop…i just want more from him…i deserve more…i know this…yet i don’t want someone else…i want to see some effort from his part…some initiative to want to see me…to want to talk to me…something…i know that he is busy, but i am too…i make time…i know that he has physical problems right now, but i still want to see some wanting…something…so i’m really trying my best not to suggest anything for a while…i think he’s only suggested something once…and whenever i suggest something and it doesn’t work out, it sucks a LOT…i don’t want to turn it into a game…but i do deserve some sort of initiative on his part…i agree that i have done more for him than he has for me…i enjoy doing things for him…i love seeing him…i love doing things with him…i want to know that from him for me…he’s said it, but it takes more than words…kind of like the elvis song, "a little less conversation a little more action" or whatever…but not sexual…i want to see his love for me…i know it’s kind of silly like fairytales where the princess sets the prince on several quests to prove his love for her…but i don’t want him to do what i tell him to do…i want him to do things that he wants to do for me…i don’t know…maybe i’m asking too much for this situation…alls i know is that i’m not too happy with this arrangement of me making so much effort and from my point of view, seeing not so much on his…i guess maybe that’s why he doesn’t feel the need to make effort, because i’m always the one making them…i dunno…we’ll see…maybe i’ll fuck things up…woo

i also didn’t really like the way he handled my situation…maybe it’s just because it’s still after the major blow of it all, and i’m just seeing more of the negative than i usually do…but what he said made me feel bad about feeling bad…so, basically, 2 times as worse…maybe it was just the wording…i don’t know…

nothing can be easy, can it? but i still saunter on…a smile on my face, although less bright today…at least i’m not letting it consume my entire self like it has before…i’m still functioning…which i guess is a good sign…just the feeling isn’t so nice…