i feel so distant

I just don’t feel like a part of the family…the sisters, mainly…

every single time they’ve gone somewhere this weekend, i wasn’t invited to go…jessi asked melissa to watch the kids when her and becka (that’s it) wanted to go to karaoke…when i was the one who thought it up for her to go on her birthday with us…when i suggested getting a movie, it turned into a "let’s smoke weed" trip…every single time they go out they smoke weed…and i don’t want to be a part of that…i miss just being with my sisters…when i speak up, i’m a bitch or selfish…i guess i should just stop trying…but every time they call me, needing money, needing my time to watch the kids, needing something, i slip back and think maybe we can be sisters again because they’re talking with me…nope…when they talk to me about what bothers them, i feel i can talk to them about what bothers me, but then they gossip among themselves…they can say such evil things about eachother, yet not do anything about it to change it…complain about eachother to me, but not to eachother…i don’t want to be a part of it any more…i can’t take it…i’m not supposed to feel this way at home…i’ll just continue doing what i’m doing…i’m not going to give money any more…i can’t…they’re taking advantage of me in that respect…i can’t let it bother me any more…it makes me feel bad when i don’t need to…i’m leading a great life, and i’m a loving person when people treat me right…i deserve to be loved without having to give money…i keep saying i won’t let it get to me but it does…but i guess just typing it out…typing out what i need to do over and over again, maybe i could do it…i hope i can…i just have to keep reminding myself…