Advice

I’m not sure if anyone will read this… I am writing it in hopes that someone does read it, understand it, and reply to it, though.

You see, I am engaged. I love my fiance more than life itself. She is my everything… my princess, my baby girl. We are so incredibly close to one another; inseparable. We know everything there is to know about one another… no secrets, no lies, just the truth and our love. Perfect, right?

Nope. For some reason that I can’t figure out, I have a major issue. See, she dated this guy a few years back and they were together for 2 whole years. During those years, he put her through a lot of crap. He used her, mistreated her, lied to her, and polluted her. He is long out of the picture, but she still insists on saying he was her first love. Right there, that rises my heat level. It only gets worse from there; any mention of him and my stomach turns, and I can’t even look at her.

Oh, I should explain something; a while back we decided our trust was strong enough that we could read each others diaries… I read hers and it went into great detail about all the things she had done with him sexually. She lost her virginity to him. Now, often times when we are getting intimate, the image of those times haunts me and makes me sick to my stomach. Makes me angry that he was ever near my baby girl. Makes me furious that he robbed her of her innocence.

Several times I have suggested we try ‘new’ things in bed, only to remember that she already tried them with him. It makes me so upset… I want to do these things with her but if it’s something I know she did them with him, I lose all interest. It’s so frustrating.

I know it’s not logical to be mad about the past… but why do you suppose I am feeling this? How can I get over it? Why is this my biggest weakness?

Anyway… poetry has always helped me, so here’s my work on the subject:

The thought of you awakens something in me
something I didn’t know lived in me
maybe it’s been there all along
but you brought it to my attention
I know exactly what you’ve done to her
every little detail you let occur
I think about it constantly
and I can’t help it
You hurt and used my baby girl
you violated my baby girl
you took her innocence
and now it’s all I think about
You left her with a reminder of what you did
a reminder that she can’t rid
a reminder she has passed on to me
a reminder I now hold
You violated the love of my life
you had sex with my future wife
you strapped her down
you fucked her under the stars
You abused her for over two years
you caused my girl so many tears
you used her for sex
you took her innocence
You don’t even know that I know
maybe I shouldn’t even know
but I found out and now it haunts me
I found out and now you haunt me
Why can’t I stop thinking about it?
Is it because I couldn’t stop it?
Is it because it’s so disgusting?
Or is it because I think she liked it?