An Update (w/pics)

I’m back in San Diego. I’m divorced. For over a year. I got overwhelmed with the divorce and the fact I lied for so long to keep our marriage looking perfect to everyone else when in all actuality my ex husband lied to me about a lot of things, major things. He popped mass amounts of pills without my knowledge and took money for bills to buy drugs with. Most importantly, he lied to me about wanting Kensington. Our struggle to conceive her was ended when I told him I was pregnant, and what should have been an overjoyed moment was a downward spiral. Because I then loved something more than him, and that love started to fade as I realized what my child had to look forward to. He looked me in the eyes at that moment and told me he lied about wanting kids. So all the lies about my pregnancy and marriage piled on. I did it alone. Chris left me in the hospital alone, he didnt help with the baby. I hung in for over a year after she was born. But I decided that being treated like a used doormat was over. I divorced him. He does the daddy role now. I think that was his try of winning me back. It didnt work. But that is why I stopped writing.

After Kenz came I was too depressed and too tired to write let alone make up lies about how awesomely wonderful my life was. I used to think it was. Then I unraveled a lie and with that lie came down the walls of so many lies, and the truth even was a lie. I cry about it still. I dated a man after Chris, for 9 months. Guamanian. Gorgeous to me. Tried to treat me like shit too. But he taught me how to feel feelings again. I had a black bitter hateful filled heart. Just cold and icy, heartless. All his con work won me over at first and melted my heart, but unfortunately for my heart he was not true to himself and his colors bled sooner than later. He tried to verbally abuse me. He had to go. But after I kicked him from my life completely, my feelings still remain. I feel again. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being icy and heartless, because then it wouldnt constantly hurt inside my heart. A gaping hole that love can fill. I was heartless, but I was happy. He convinced me to be his girlfriend, I wasnt looking or wanting. He charmed me, scammed me. But I won’t lie and say I don’t still cry about him too, to feel some love there for him. Illogical, but its how my heart works. My brain knows better and fortunately I have a strong enough will to listen to it. I refuse to be that dumb girl my friends talk about behind my back. You know the girl. The one who has that boyfriend/husband who treas her like shit but he loves her so its okay? Yeah. Im NOT that girl. And its NOT okay.

I might be ready to try this again. To re connect with my writing, and keep track of my life in journal form. I lost years and years of writing after the hacker attackers, and I lost years more going through the things I did.

So hi. My name is Heather, but people call me DC. I have a beautiful smart 3 year old daughter Kensington, or Z, Kenz or Kenzie. Im 26 years young, but I feel about 41 mentally. I am single. I am hoping to find love again, a partner who gets me and wants me, no lies. I am not willing to sacrafice my standards, and I refuse to be treated wrong anymore. So Im back in San Diego, back to my roots, but I do mis my Tenn family. There are people there who mean the world to me. I miss them very much. But that place, made life hell. Its a dark soulless town. Evil in its sewers, evil in the waters. Black aura, very dark and disturbed. It ruins lives. More than two handfuls of people have said the same. In fact ask anyone trapped in that no horse town. It plagues you. Bad mojo. Im getting ready to try my hand at college. Working out the whole applying process. Just got a little part time job, but I might need something with more hours later o, if these don’t pick up. But I hope they do. Im drained for now, about to go excersize and then reitre. First day of work start tomorrow. Good to be back. I will update my diary in a few days to reflect myself these days better.

Recent pictures of Kenzie and I.