Sadness
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In a couple of days my sweet princess will be five months old. I cannot believe how much time has passed, how long it took to get her here, it now seems like a lifetime ago. Now it all seems to be moving so quickly, one day I’ll blink my eyes and she’ll be one. Should be a joyous time of month for me, watching her turn one month older. But it is tainted. I seriously wonder if I need to talk with a grief counsoler. I’m finding it’s not getting any easier to deal with the passing of Jess.
I know that it’s going to take time to heal, and I’ll never fully move on, but the celebration of my daughter’s life is jaded by him not being here to witness it. I cry for a couple days to a week and half every month around this time. Half because it is around the time Kenzie was born and he wasn’t here, and half because in a couple weeks will be another month tacked on to his death. Seven months have almost gone since he passed away, and I can’t seem to stop feeling like I did the day he died. I want to be able to remember him without crying, to look at pictures, to hear his voice on video. I stayed in denial for too long about his condition, and when the time came, it all caught up with a slingshot effect. I can’t seem to get past the idea that we will never have pictures of him and Kenzie together, he’ll never see her perfect little face, and she’ll never see his smile, or hear his lovable laugh. I can’t deal with the fact that she’ll only hear stories about him, and never have that deep connection you have to a grandparent.
