Double Sided *edit x2

Still no period. My head is swimming in all different directions. I’m working myself up over nothing. Internally battling myself, I feel like I’m pulling my mind in a voilent game of tug o’ war. Rationality versus what if.

I had back cramps Friday night like mad. I thought for sure yesterday would be the day. Nothing. Not even a tint. I had duller cramping last night, and still nothing. I even stocked up my menstral supplies in my purse, and wore *gasp* my grannie panties.

Rationally I know there about a 5% chance for me to get pregnant anyway. We only had sex 5 times this month, and only once before ovulation. I know it only takes once, but that would be a miracle for me. I’m currently on day 36 of my cycle. I usually have an average of 27 to 31 days, but I have gone as far as 35 days. Test! I’m sure people are screaming. But seeing that negative and then getting my period is worse than just waiting it out. Technically I’m not late yet either.

I have nasty dry heaves again today, I hate them! I think it’s stress from my own mind. Today is just racking all sorts of crazy in me. I was fine until today, and now I can’t stop battling my mind. I keep telling myself I’m not pregnant, that way when my period does come, I can reassure myself I know my own body, but my head keeps screaming what if you are. But I’m not I say to myself, so stop it. You know we can’t get pregnant.

I’m still super emotional, but not really irritable. Which is unusual for my normal PMS symptoms. I’m usually a raging uncontrolable package of irritablility, anything makes me snap. I should just buy a test to stop the mind games, but I’m still set on the fact that would be a waste of money.

I’m just going to wait this out, and see where today leads me. I haven’t had any cramping so far today, and I usually start first thing in the morning, or late at night. Usually at work *rolls eyes* So we will see, and IF I make it to a 40 day cycle I’ll probably test. I’m not sure. It depends. I’m not setting any goals for it, or raising any hopes. I blame all of you for implanting this silly notion in my head 🙂

I wanna see how today goes as far as cramping. I thought Friday night would be it, because of the fierceness of my cramps, and when it didn’t come I thought Saturday for sure. I don’t know anymore. It’s torture. I wish I could be like everyone else. I wish I was in the 60% that didn’t need help.

Chris bought my Dove deorderant when he was out, but he bought original clean, instead of shower fresh, and I think it smells like shit. He swears it smells good, but honestly I can’t stand it. It reeks. And I can’t pin what it smells like either. Maybe like soapy fruit?

Keep me grounded. I’m not pregnant. It’s just not possible. It just isn’t.I wish I was. I pray that God blessed us with a miracle, but I know it’s just not happening. This way it won’t hurt as bad when it’s true.

Edit:: You guys are the best. You lift my spirits, and you make me feel great. I love you all. I have this overtly happy feeling that I can’t shake today. Admist the worry (which has been given to Libs) and I love it. It’s definately a change. If it’s PMS I hope it’s like this the rest of my life.

Edit x2:: EH, I’m so wishy washy today. I’m not worried about it anymore, I’m just ready for everything to be over. I’m sure my period will come and put me out of my waiting. Maybe tonight. Or tommorrow.