Baby Drama

This is just my thoughts, my feelings. My need to vent. Please don’t take it personally. This isn’t directed towards anyone here. I was just depressed yesterday and crying alone in the bathroom, so I wrote it down on paper, and typed it up later.

Or so to speak. As some of our friends know, Chris and I have been trying for almost a year to have a child. After nine months of unsucessfully trying, we went to the doctors for professional advice. That day changed our lives forever. May 19th, just nine days after celebrating our first year of marriage, our world came to a halt. We had discovered we will not be able to make a child naturally. Not without the help of the medical community. Not without spending a large chunk of cash on it. Insurance doesn’t cover infertility treatments, and no one is going to pay it for us. Some people think that if you can’t create a child by yourself, that your not meant to be a parent. But these "blessed" people have never dealt with it. The pain of not being able to have the one thing that would make your life complete. And everyday I hope that maybe we can do it on our own, and that we will be given a miracle, or a check will fall into our hands, and we will get pregnant soon. But it won’t happen like we want. Life rarely does. And people ask me if I’m pregnant yet, and I might laugh and tell you no, and even explain why. And I might smile while you look at me with pity and understanding, before you go home to your child. But it hurts so much inside. I think about it everyday, and most times I cry. Sometimes for hours. And people joke and offer to sell me their kids, and I wanna scream at them and tell them that I don’t want their child, and that its not funny, and I’m not laughing. But I hide it, and I avoid it with jokes. And I know they don’t mean to hurt me, and that they don’t know how bad it hurts. And if you find yourself thinknig of us, or wondering how I’m doing, know that my heart is dying. That my life feels incomplete. That I don’t wanna hear your trying too hard, and that I should relax and it will just happen. And I don’t wanna hear how easy it was for you to get pregnant, all three times. And please don’t ask if we are pregnant yet. Trust me, when we finally do get pregnant, everyone and their mother’s will know. I’m not a religious person, but I will take any prayers you can manage to toss our way. I couldn’t do this without Chris. I think I would absolutely fall apart if I didnt have him to support me. And thank you to Sheena, Amelia, and Jodi, for being a good friend, and someone to lean on. Someone to talk to. It helps