…have all your horses in a row…

tipsy off of a half bottle of red…14 hour workday.. this is my friday

okay so today makes my 3rd nicotine patch-free day…and i will also complete 3 smokeless months next week

did i mention that i’ve also gained at least 10 lbs..my double zero jeans are a comedy routine that i sausage myself into daily..

lmao did that sentence make sense? well i am not buying new clothes, i’ve been the same size for over seventeen years damnit..ever since i had ari..and well NOOOOO i dont own any "fat" clothing so i pretty much feel uncomfortable standing, sitting, you name it..as of late

carrot cake is amazing…i just had to throw that in as i swallow down a generous hunk of it

why do i find food sexy lately..sometimes when i eat i dont even effing breathe..i dont chew, i mean i hoover that shit..i will google nearby gyms in the morning..

onto bigger fish, namely D…i dont know what to think..perhaps i will never forgive him for how he made me feel last visit?? all i know  is that sometimes we are "there"..connected..i feel like i can conquer any shit the universe tosses my way just because of him…the high that he brings..our rapport, our sexual chemistry..but it isnt enough for me..i see the swiss cheese holes in the matrix..i cant pretend that i dont see what he doesnt give..by process of elimination i’ve figured out what i do want by what  "we" are lacking..the little things that he and i are scared to say..we are too alike, i need someone that will force me to not be afraid..that will take care of me, and make me feel safe…not the other way around..i don’t always have to be the caregiver..nothing wrong with admitting that you need help lex..it doesn’t make you less..it makes you human ok? stop playing superwoman..

ok i might delete this entry…but let me throw it out into the universe..like a random feather or eyelash that you blow and make a wish off of…

wine done..moving onto mimosas… lol yeah good luck jogging tomorrow..

night night to anyone listening out there..

stay tuned…

*no idea what is going on in this video..but i like the song…youtu.be/c7N0i3FKCmw