So whats means this ‘beauty for ashes’?

“and He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, ………..to give them beauty for ashes, and the oil of joy for mourning.   -Isaiah 61:3

Her name was Melissa and she was 37 years old,  she was in front of me on the hospital bed she had restraints on her arms because she was thrashing from the morphine that was being pumped into her veins,  the dosage of morphine (according to the hospice nurse who shared her tears with mine) was the highest she had ever seen, she said that it would have killed 8 men but she had been on morphine so long…she had less than 12 hours to live but had been thrashing for 3 days like this,  my father begged the doctors up her morphine,  I was torn,  my father raged,  I think he wanted it to end I heard the nurses fighting the doctor in the hallway about the dosage they said he was going to kill her,  The doctor understood my father maybe because he was a father too.   Final stages of an aggressive colon cancer that had spread throughout the body is something that few people can see and come through unscathed.   ( edit 4-14-19 to this day,  the hospice experience of my sister still haunts me,  I did end up going through a specialized therapy called EMDR for multiple issues)

It gets worse though,  the morphine at high dosages causes hallucinations and my sister’s were particularly horrible,  because she believed she was being dragged off to hell by monsters   (4-14-19 demons actually!  have a friend who was heroin addict who was able to enlighten me to morphine exposure..)  ,  she cried and said things that would break your heart,  I can still taste the metallic taste of blood and calcium as i literally ground my teeth off,  it was two days before my 33rd birthday,  i found out later she was waiting for me to come so she could see me before she died.  When my mom called she said come now,  I drove to Fairhope AL from Atlanta without regard to anything,  I prayed as I drove and God opened a path I stopped once for fuel and biology.  I ran to her room,  and she was lucid briefly,  my twin brother came soon after,  My brother and I realized that we were holding the room up on our shoulders,  my parents sagged,  we both looked at each other when twins know what they must do and we carried that room,  that night, we carried that hospital it seemed,  I thought to myself is this where my mettle gets tested,  is this my time on the anvil to see if the steel i am made of will crack or will I stand?  I chose to stand….with my brother we carried that fuckin hell hole.   (4-14-19  I still can feel that space and time as one of the grimmest and darkest places of my entire life..)

I had another sister her name was Donna,  she actually had cancer too,  but a very very rare cancer that was slow growing (at this point she had had it for over 10 years, but with one lung left and on experiemental treatment her time was limited, being wise she thought she would bring her daughter (Chrissy who was 16 at the time)  to the hospice also,  to prepare her daughter for her mother’s impending death,  we all thought the hospice death would be like the a 70’s soft rock,  easy, slow ride to heaven….and this would be good for Chrissy to see…well she came with her daughter and Melissa had a another Gran Mal seizure, it was horrifying,  Donna blanched,  Chrissy almost fainted and had to be helped out the room,  she drove back to Tampa that night. She didn’t even say goodbye she just left and called my dad later on the way back…..what a trick fuck that was for Chrissy and Donna.  I remember thinking God, I need a hand here.  ( 4-14-19 in all honesty,  I am still trying to figure out the cruelty of my sister bringing her daughter to prepare for her own death..it was truly horrifying..)

My sister died at 3.15am her mother, father and boyfriend at her side,  I was asleep with my brother,  I was relieved when her boyfriend woke me up and brought me into the room with her,  my mother was unhinged and actually laying on my sister’s body; becuase she died of a cardiac arrest screaming, my father was grey,  my mother turned and hugged me her face was a huge broken question mark,  my mother is a rock solid Born Again Christian and you could see that this way was the ultimate betrayal of all she believed in,  to watch your daughter dying and realizing that as the very last breaths passed out of her she was thinking she was being dragged to hell, for a mom, well ashes…..

Ashes..buckets of ashes,  my mouth was dry….the one thing my mom said and I can hear it to this day…”Why, why?  why?”

I hugged her and I told her “He comes to Steal, kill and destroy” (why that qoute from Jesus describing satan came to my mind i think is providence) Mom,  our enemy is going to destroy you with this if you don’t believe Melissa is going to heaven….he wants to steal your peace,  and kill your love”  I am so profane and earthy and this night,  this night, I received enough grace to discern what was really happening…(reading this years later,  I don’t think you can guess,  but I drink scotch, smoke cigarettes if I want,  cuss,  and laugh at the wrong times)

My ashes had started 4 months earlier when my wife of 8 years confessed to me she had had several affairs, several?!  While i was driving the kids from church to the beach?!?   (4-14-19  context:  I was driving the youth group to St. Simons Island for a retreat)   She called me from the hotel room to tell me she loved me?  and I was clueless,  actually better than that,  I was actually happy,  I had no clue,  and then 3 years after she had been having multiple relationships she tells me this?  why?  you want to unload?  start clean with me?  I never told my sister or mom or brother or anyone except for one friend I confessed to the night she told me,  when I was in shock I actually had to use two hands to pour myself a drink and I remember my hands shaking so much the ice actually tinkled in the glass as I gulped my scotch..(4-14-19  not gonna lie,  it still hurts and that shit went down 20+ years ago,  I’m 50 now, and I would rather be a eunuch and celibate the rest of my life then compromise myself or another person  which makes the prior post all the more relevant )

We slept together that night and had sex it was great, scary great,and I was disgusted with myself for sleeping with her, I went into the toilet and had the dry heaves for 5 minutes or so,   and for 4 months  after she told me I had picked and obsessed over everything, and she told me everything and everyone,  I showered obsessively for months.  I drove to the scenes of the crimes against my innocence and some of the men I knew personally as acquaintances.  I was a youth pastor during this time period,  I remember always making excuses for my wife not coming to anything I was involved with at the church.  I just thought she was shy….I quit the ministry because its not a job you can do alone…..I thought back to a movie I took my wife to see, I cant remember its name, “the Apostle”  in the opening scene a pastor finds out his wife is cheating and he shows up at the ballpark and kills the other man with a bat,  it was a great movie,  my wife was horrified (at the time I saw the movie I didnt know she was cheating on me)  I havent yet had the balls to watch that movie again…(gonna be real,  I still don’t have the balls to watch it again.. 4-14-19)

So as I drove to Alabama, the night before my sister died,  as usual I continued to pick the wounds,  gouge the wounds,  the scars, digging and digging..you know it will never heal and everytime a scab forms you pick it,  and then when the scab is gone you pick the scar tissue until it bleds and the next day you ahve new scabs to pick….yeah ashes,

Ashes? I got ashes, lots of ashes,  mourning?  yeah I have that too,  wanna see how it turned out?  the beauty?  yeah it comes, and is coming….

( 4-14-19 interesting note,  when I was a boy-scout and I dropped my hot-dog in the ashes,  in my house, that shit was poked right out and eaten,  and that is just how it was, my evil twin (I love him) made me eat the shit that was dropped…to this day,  burnt and ashy food has a special spot in my heart!)