Moral and immoral

Just my daily report. I have been working again on my thesis until now. Today there was a meeting at the archive, it was nice and I saw many people I did not know: politicians, our president, our vice-president, and my coordinator, Andy. I was thinking about him before. He is married with the sister of one of my dearest friends. But I never really liked her. She is a medical doctor, which is enough to say I cannot really like her.

I still recall the day in which she and Andy started their relationship. It was in Basel, I was still young and she, her sister Athena (my friend) and me met for lunch. She said to me that she had a new boyfriend, and she added that she hoped she could feel that way for a woman. I perfectly know the feeling, I feel “that way” only for women. But this is not the first thought you should have if you are in love since a couple of days and you have butterflies in your stomach. Andy’s wife always seemed cold to me, very self-centered, focused on her needs and hyperactive. She is the kind of person who wakes up in the middle of the night and decides to go hiking because in the night it is more adventurous. If she wants to take a week of holiday she does not really care about Andy’s programs and she just leaves. Then, since their daughter is more attached to Andy than to her, she grows angry and calls Andy while he is working to complain about it. She is the one who wears the trousers, but Andy is not a weak person. I observed him, he can be a good leader even if he is always very understanding.

Sometimes I ask myself how it is to have a male partner. I am accustomed with same sex, even if I have experience also with heterosexual relationships. Oh well, “experience” is too much. I had one. I slept with two men, and the second one was a gay friend with whom we played games. My relationship with a male partner was horrible, still I do not think all males are horrible: just I found it strange to find him beside me in bed when I woke up in the morning. I found everything strange. He was neither sweet nor understanding. If I think that for a while he wanted to share his life with me and I could have accepted, I turn pale. That would have been a disaster. I do not see a male beside me, I could never share my worries, my successes, my joy, my inner fragility with a male partner.

On the other hand, I know that I shared my bed with some women who did not really fit into the program. One of them was married. With a man. She was raped by two men who stunk of beer while they abused her, but her husband always drank beer before they had sex. For her, it was like experiencing the abuse again every single time she had sex with her partner. No wonder she liked the sex with me. I shared my bed with a girl who only wanted to have sex, and she had sex with many people; it was clear from the beginning, and it was nice as it was. Immoral, in both occasions, according to the way I was raised. But now I do not see it so anymore. Nobody is property of anybody.

I should go to bed. Tomorrow is a long day. But I needed to to reorder my thoughts because the theory about what is moral and what is immoral needs to be revised.