A State of War

Apparently I dont thank people for doing their dishes. I went home really really late last night to avoid my flatmates and that was all I was told. “You never thank us when we’ve done the dishes – you never say how clean they are…” Well excuse me for not congratulating you on being normal. Would you like me to throw a party everytime you remember how to dress yourself? What about a parade every time you buy milk? Shall I take an advert in the paper when you clean the bathroom? What really irks me is that I have put up with their squalor for weeks now, and yet as soon as they realise that having bugs crawling over crumbs in the kitchen is not fun, they turn the tables on me. Apparently we are having a flat meeting tonight. I dread even the sound of it. I am prepared though… I have made my own list…

1) The Bathroom

a)  There has been the same long dark hair stuck to the bathroom sink for more than a month now. I know its not mine as I have blokey-length short hair. Spiky stuff, that is by no means seven inches long.

b) There is a nice collection of cardboard  toilet roll tubes by the side of the toilet where someone just throws them when the toilet roll is changed. I refuse to pick them up as they are damp. Next to the toilet. I shall explain no further.

c) The bath plug hole is permanently blocked by a small rodent’s worth of hair. (see 1a for similar greivance)

d) I am sick of clearing skid marks from the pan. *shudders*

e) Wild animals at the zoo smell better than when the others have been in there. I know such smells are unavoidable, but we have a window, and the air freshner is not just something to be looked at. You can press the button…wow! It doesnt smell of feaces any more!

2) The Lounge

a) I am sick of clearing up six week old Heats and Nows and Oks from the Lounge floor.

b) I am fed up with people eating off their knees in front of the tv and missing their mouths. We now have stained cushions, stained carpets, and a stained sofa. We have a table and chairs for eating at. They are considerably easier to eat from.

c) I am fed up of people getting up from meals, and shaking all the crumbs onto the carpet. It is not a bin, it is a carpet. It needs hoovered.

d) A CD case is not a coaster. Especially not one of my CDs.

3) The Kitchen

a) DO NOT EAT MY FOOD. I go to the trouble of going to the supermarket and buying it. THAT MEANS I PAY FOR IT.

b) When I do my washing up I run a basin and fill it with hot water and some soapy liquid. I dont just lick it, I dont just “rinse it” under the tap.

c) When Ive been cooking, I wipe/tidy up after myself. I do not leave chopped onions/lettuce/pasta sauce all over the working top and tiles.

These are but a few of my complaints which I have been holding inside, in the name of being a “chilled out, “laid back” flatmate. I can do so no longer. If they want to complain about the state of the flat I am ready. I am a clean person, hear me roar!