#684 + Beige and Blue Jeans Audio

Yeah, decided to rename it beige and blue jeans. And as of right now, I still think it’s the best thing I’ve ever written. It has the right ideas and right movement and most importantly, it’s True. It captures that feeling of being in love just the way I wanted it to. I was really worried it would bother her, though. It’s was really hard for me to yell about when it’s this kinda thing. Yeah, even for me, someone who throws himself into things. You see, I didn’t just write this, but I didn’t let her see it either. I spoke the damn thing to her before I did any posting. It was hard and my voice tripped over itself in places and I was ugh @ myself for it, but I think mostly it came out well. I hope….I hope it had as much meaning for her as it did for me. I’ve never done anything like that ever before. Sure I’ve written things and read them to people before, but never like this, never this personal, never this dangerously open. I wonder if she realized how dangerously naked I was? Probably. She understands me way better than she has any right to, I think. We intuit one another. Like….we wrote a poem together that was in exquisite corpse style. Essentially, you write a line (or a few lines) and only leave the last word or two visible to the other person and then based on those two words, write about whatever they are thinking. It blew my god damn mind that we didn’t step on each other’s toes when we did it. The one major hallmark of that style is that when you do it, the poem takes off in crazy-wild directions because one person’s connotations are different from anothers. What you do with "of ghosts." at the end of a line will be completely dif from what I will do….but we were thinking along the same lines all the way through. We intuit one another and it thrills me.

It’s really true, like I said. Granted much of it is typical of being in love…but others? Some of it is really different for me. In some ways I’ve felt like this before, but in others it’s completely new. The inspiration bit…I’ve never felt that before….and it’s powerful. I’ve just been getting ideas and they’re good ideas and I’ve been acting on them. It starts like a stroke of inspiration, an idea of a phrase that wriggles into my brain and refuses to let go and at the same time I know it might be something, so I write it out like building a house. You clear everything out first, build a framework and place it inside….then you decorate it. Not sure that metaphor is entirely accurate but you get the idea. For the first time ever I actually like what I’m writing. It feels right, it feels gorgeous and that feeling remains after the enthusiasm to write it has died. That’s new. I’m writing more, I’m writing better things and I’m actually working at it too because it feels so right to even if the work itself makes me ughhhh. Like currently I’m writing something that’s pretty dark but really real (to me) and it’s coming out hard but it’s coming, you know? It’s an idea I don’t think I would’ve had if I hadn’t been around her. Only since I’ve started really talking to her has my mind gotten going like this. It’s not like she’s telling me "hey, write this" or "have you thought about writing about that?" No, it’s nothing like that. It just feels like my mind has unlocked, like there was a hidden key I didn’t know was there and I’ve just gone wild since it opened me up. Most of it isn’t even about her like the vampire story I’ve already written, the exquisite corpse we wrote together that I haven’t posted yet, my latest two, too.

It really feels like that; I am a box full of things that’s been closed for a long time and I’ve since been opened up to the clean, fresh air. I love it. I’m thrilled to think of what might happened next. She’s always felt different to me and just gotten underneath my skin and I know that that is the case with her, too. She has even more impressive walls than I do, and she’s told me many times that she didn’t know how I just sidestepped them. Me either, it wasn’t my intention as I’ve really tried hard to give her her space and support her. It just…was that way. We feel connected and like….well….like in the poem it feels to me like an old, old love. Like there’s something very deep and unexplained in there that’s nonetheless very very true. Fated even. Ma nephesh. That’s just one side of me though. Meanwhile, the rational brain is questioning….why in the world would you feel this way? Was it just this time of year, a time of year that usually results in me going a little bit mad and getting really moody, but this year was different and went a positive direction instead for the first time…ever? It could be. I certainly have been in a different headspace that I’m used to being in. Was it that I just had better ideas lately and because she’s around and I’m enamored with her so I’m giving her more credit? That seems less likely. She’s directly the cause for the latest thing I’ve written and it’s easily the best imo. If not for her it would never have gotten written. It’s still possible though. Then there’s reason after reason I can come up with that *doesn’t* support any of my enthusiasm. I know that this side is more likely but…does it really matter? Answer is…no. It doesn’t matter. No matter what you throw at it, the woman does inspire me, she does push me forward. That sensation of being opened up, that’s true and viscerally real. I really do treasure her company, too and I’m excited to see where we go. Granted, I do want her a great deal in almost every way right now, but for the first time I think I could be happy with just being her friend. That’s….unexpected. Entirely unlike me. Even with girls I’m dating casually and don’t care a ton about I’m at least somewhat possessive. With her I think I can let her be free if that’s what she wanted. It’s not important that we’re having sex, that we’re living together, that we’re devoting our lives to one another. It’s just important that we’re close and that we share because that’s the point. She feels like the teammate that I’ve been longing for for at least fourteen years and maybe she’s even *more* effective in that role being further away from me in that way. So. I’m excited to see if we can do it, if a vegetable love could thrive. I’m thrilled to see where this friendship will go. Possibly nowhere, but what the hell, right? You never know if you don’t push it and see what happens.