Blog #567

Not a lot happening. Made enchiladas yesterday for the first time. Nailed the flavor surprisingly well. Not really talking to amanda (girl previously mentioned). Am talking to another one though. I don’t know what I feel about the whole thing now….I half just want to say fuck it and just have purely sexual relationships, if that. Even that might be too much. It’s a lot of stress and drama and I just don’t care to be wrapped up in other peoples’ issues. I like where I’m at and I don’t need anyone else. My chief asked me if I wanted to step up my responsibilities, seems he wants to train me on scheduling all the staff. I told him I would. Wonder what he’s planning….there are others on the squad a lot older than I am. I don’t want it to cause ripples because I’m newer on the squad and they got passed over. 

I had a talk this morning with an asshole from Rift. Initially he came to me because I’m well known as one of the better rogues on the server and I’m also one of the most vocal in the chat channels too talking about almost anything. Bit o’ drama happened, mostly his raging and I just ignored it and removed myself from the situation. This was several weeks ago…so he comes back ’round today messaging me. Apparently he got kicked from his guild and it made him realize something and he wanted to say sorry to me. Which struck me as odd and possibly disingenuous. So I talked to him….the gm of his old guild was female and said she kicked him because he was getting too close with her. Which….hrm. Half makes me think he was a stalker-ish kinda person. But I also know he’s been warned multiple times about causing drama and being a dick (I have friends in the guild). So I pointed that out and said that it’s not very effective to rage at people. He said he liked to win. I told him people perform better when they don’t feel annoyed or uneasy, which raging does. I told him that even if you’re feeling ragey to just let it go because it’s screwing up your own gameplay too. We talked a touch on that then he said sorry to me and asked me if I forgave him and if we could be friends again. I told him no, we’re not friends. I told him no, he wasn’t forgiven either because there’s no real teshuvah there. He didn’t know what that was and so I explained it to him. In a nutshell, it’s a set of requirements before one is qualified for forgiveness, it’s a jewish idea. Essentially you have to understand what happened,  feel sorry for it, admit wrongdoing to God, admit wrongdoing to the person you screwed over, correct the sin if possible (like giving back a stolen object) and then make sure to never do it again otherwise the previously given forgiveness is null. He asked if I wanted him to repent and I told him no. I told him hey, I don’t much care what you do, I wasn’t that bothered by the deal, I’m really hard to actually piss off. Was just a bit of annoyance that day. I told him I was only mentioning it because of what you were saying to me, saying you needed to change some things about yourself. It’s about you if you want to take the teshuvah thing seriously. I told him, hey, it’s like this. If you felt like slapping the hell out of someone for being a douche, does that matter if you don’t actually do it? No it doesn’t. It’s just a feeling most of us have at some point in our lives, but we ignore it and move past it. It’s not meaningful at all except in that moment. So why should I value your feeling sorry if you don’t do anything to change who you are? Answer to me is simple; I shouldn’t. There is absolutely no worth in merely feeling sorry if that feeling is not translated into movement, into action. We talked some on that and he told me thanks and that he’d think about it. I wonder what he’ll end up doing with that. Probably nothing, but maybe it’ll be helpful to him. The guy has big anger issues…focusing inward could do him a world of good if he gets it out of his head that just saying sorry does not make it better, only concrete actions to correct himself will ever mean anything. Maybe he’ll get something out of the talk. I suspect probably not. I got the feel that he’s likely just shocked at the moment and hurt and he probably feels really alienated by being cut off by all his old friends in the guild, thus he talked to me instead, an old ex-friend outside of that. So my guess is he’ll just go back to being as he is once the emotional moment is over. *shrug* Was still worth bringing up I think. 

I should be in green bay again soon, I need to write out a goddamn essay *at* their testing center because they’re ridiculous. It’s not even an important essay, it’s just a, hey, I’d like to be accepted into your program kinda essay. Sadface. I’m going to call and schedule an appointment now I suppose….then take a shower and sleep. Perchance to dream.