#687

*spins*

There was a couple, not married and they had their ups and downs, as couples do. They were still feeling each other out, still in that process of catching each others less-obvious mannerisms, learning to fit in with one another as those with a new love do. They decided to go out driving, to go find a restaurant in the next town over as they were working on something together. They had been working together for weeks, aye, tis how they met to begin with. The restaurant though…the restaurant threw me. When I read that I thought, no, that’s so unrealistic, it snapped me right out of the zone. That’s so unreal, I though, that makes no sense. I scorned the book for a little while for such an obvious breach of believability. 

Of course, it does make sense, though.

I went out this morning. The sky was a steely gray and it was showering, one of those gentle warm rains the month of April is known for. It drew me. I went out and was immediately chilled. It felt more warm inside than it actually was outside. Once the rain ice-streaked down my chest I realized that I hadn’t gotten dressed. It didn’t occur to me that I was just in my boxers when I stepped out. We have no fence and the neighbors could have seen me, but that wasn’t on my mind. I laid down on the grass and watched the sky. No clouds, so nothing to see. But i stared anyway not thinking about anything. It felt right. There was nothing more on the planet I wanted to do at that moment than to lay there on a bed of grass, feeling the cold rain soaking into my body as if I was part of the earth, watching the sky and feeling absolutely nothing but a sort of numb stillness. A perfect stillness. 

How a cup feels when you fill a cup with water and dash it all out abruptly to the ground; a lingering wetness along the rims. 

Yesterday I was remembering. I was at a party back when I was trying to be cool like I’d never actually be. I saw her and she looked miserable with a new guy that I didn’t recognize. When he got up off the couch they were sitting on, I sat next to her and asked her what was up. She told me everything was fine and I pressed her. She told me she didn’t want anything to do with him but she couldn’t get rid of him. I told her I would help and I left so he didn’t see we had talked. I waited trying to think of something believable. In the end I went with something incredibly lame, I just walked up to them and told her we needed to talk and she came. We walked outside and walked through the forest and talked. At first we talked about him and how lame he was, then we talked about her dates always being creeepers and she asked me why I never dated anyone even though the girls liked me. That surprised me. I told her that it didn’t seem that way to me and that I wasn’t really interested in all the drama anyway, that my life was screwed enough as it was. She told me that I should go with my heart and at least try with someone, that it would be good for me. I told her I couldn’t go with my heart if I can’t feel what’s in it. It wasn’t until now that I realized that she might have been talking about herself. 

People always come and go and walk away, but I’m not going anywhere, I’m not going anywhere. 

I used to sneak the phone into bed when I was young. I would call a friend and we would talk. I remember one night when she was hiding in the bathroom whispering into the phone at her nan’s house. She talked to me about her faith and how it was breaking and how she couldn’t believe a lot of the things her parents had her do. She told me about how empty she was and she cried and I tried to comfort her but I didn’t really. She was too wrapped up in herself to hear me. I stayed anyway because I knew I had to. Now I would not be that person, I would not feel a mad instinct that told me I had to stay and to be there.
 
Homeless and helpless and lost in the haze of the wine. 

I dreamed a dream in a major key. I walked under the streetlights, stark like film noir. I moved slow, my mind frozen in place. The sidewalk give way to park and I noticed something. I felt it, I knew. My raison d’etre….the beat of my heart. I walked, not wanting to be noticed by anyone, not wanting to look like a fool. It got stronger, my body shivering. I walked quickly…..I walked quickly and then I ran. The park became a path through the forest. I had tears in my eyes and I knew and I had to, I just have to see her, I just have to see her and I ran as hard as I could as the path became no path. And then I was at a clearing and I tripped, falling through thorny briars scratching my face and pieces of wood twisting my ankle. I landed on hands and knees, paused for a second and then looked up, seeing her. She was in a field of wheat with her back to me looking up at the moon in a purple, starry sky. She turned towards me and all at once I noticed the way the moonlight will attach to a girl and she was all of them and I loved them all, all the shards. My heart screamed and burst and I was screaming too. 

I woke up breathing heavy, tousled with the blankets twisted and everywhere. The fan was going. I didn’t move because I didn’t want the feeling to flee in the face of this lesser half of reality. But it was uncomfortable, I had half the blanket under the small of my back, so I did roll and pull it out. I was cold, so I covered myself back up and smoothed everything out…then leaned over and flicked off the fan. I became warm again to match my insides and I closed my eyes. Normally I need the fan to drown out the world, to drown out my mind, but this morning…..this morning I needed nothing. Everything was perfect.