#675

Stressful day. I’m reminded of why I went so many years without talking to my mother. I’m going to go more again I think. I can’t be around that. It’s just not worth my time; she’s not worth my time. I’ve known this; she’s a cowardly woman and she always has excuses for what she does. She made excuses for why she has never worked a job for more than a few months at a time. She made excuses for why she stayed with a man who beat her. She made excuses for why she stayed with a man who beat her kids. She made excuses for staying with a convicted child molester when she had young girls in the house. She made excuses for why she stayed with a man who was sexually assaulting the family. She made excuses about why it was right for her to mock me and harass me about going to jail after I saved her life from that man choking her until she turned colors because she cared more about HIM than about ME, her own damn kid. Excuses are all she is, that’s all she desires to be. If she wanted to make a change she could. She doesn’t though.

Today what started it was a talk. We were talking about Mia, my younger sister, and how she’s in a rough spot monetarily. Really, I see a lot of the same excuses my mother makes in her. Mia is doing a lot of the same shit and I hope that she does better. I didn’t say that though, I talked about how it was too bad she hadn’t been saving money and that I told her it’d be useful for her to. My mother told me that she had been spending it on the cats because that was the deal. Which is fine. Then she started complaining that Mia had left behind the cats and how they were really expensive. When I asked she said 25 dollars a month to take care of the cats. Then she bitched and bitched about that and how it was so unreasonable for her to leave the cats with her. I listened for a while and didn’t say much, but I think she wanted money and she kept on it and I told her she wasn’t going to impress me with spending 25 dollars a month on cats. It really doesn’t. I know she spends all her welfare money on liquor  and even more on going to the casino, then begs for more to go out and do it more. She’s getting 0 pity from me on that one. If she has enough money to go out and get drunk off her ass and if she has enough money to gamble then she can afford to take care of cat that she, the parent, allowed into the household knowing full well that Mia would not be able to take it with her to college/across the country etc. 

That’s all I said; 20 dollars a month doesn’t impress me. So she went off about how much money that was and how inconsiderate I was and that 20 dollars is a lot of money. I said that if she’d work she’d make that much money really quickly. So she tells me about how hard she’s tried and how it’s really tough to get a job. By now I’m getting ticked and usually I just ignore her because I *know* she’s this way, but now I’m made so I can’t keep my mouth shut. So I asked her about the jobs I suggested to her, the ones at the place I was working at and knew I could get her into because my boss said he would give her a shot. The one where I also know she never bothered applying. And another job I suggested to her because I knew who worked there who I *also* knew she never bothered applying to. What about those? I know you never even bothered to pick up an application. So she starts talking about how could I say that she was healthy, you can’t tell me I’m not sick, you’re not a doctor, you can’t tell me I have to work, my doctor says working makes my condition worse, blah blah blah. When I know she doesn’t have a condition; she’s the same lazy bitch she’s always been. She’s oh-so-sick when it comes to doing work or cleaning or taking care of business. But she’s super chipper and always there when it’s something SHE wants to do, aka watch tv, get absolutely smashed, gamble etc. I can only see her magically feel better so many times before I stop believing her. Anyway, at this point I’m livid because I hate being lied to and bullshitted. So I tell her what the hell does this have to do with anything anyway? I never even talked about your ‘conditions’ you’ve convinced a doctor who barely knows you that you have. I never brought you up at all, we were talking about my sister. NOT you. YOU brought up you. YOU brought up your "condition. I didn’t even criticize you when you brought it up. YOU put those words in my mouth, I said nothing. NOTHING about that. Why? Because you’re ashamed, and rightfully so, you should be ashamed because it’s a shitty thing to be doing. At that point she said she wasn’t going to deal with me and leave and I was like what the hell. So I told her no, you might as well stay, I want nothing to do with this, I’ll leave. And so I did. 

And it’ll stay that way. I don’t even know why I dropped by. I guess a part of me felt that things had been going okay with my visiting my sisters while they were there. But I was mostly avoiding my mother because of how she is. She’s not a good person; she’s one of those sorts of people who the world would probably be better off without. And me especially. So I’m back to being done with her. I don’t know what came over me, I *know* better about her. She’s probably one of the most pathetic human beings I know. She just takes and lies and takes and lies some more. Most of my mother’s side of the family is that way too, it runs deep. So. Yeah. She’s done, hopefully for my lifetime. I don’t have any more need to see her anyway; she abandoned my littlest sister completely to the foster care system (and, sadly, is attempting to make excuses to avoid prosecution over some of the things she’s done to my sister, more excuses and lies). My other is old enough to be on her own now. I’m just done w/ her.  

Hopefully this marks the end of my stressed-out-ness. I’ve had a weird week where I’ve been randomly stressed. I had been doing pretty good the past few, then she just ruined a good chunk of my day until I forced it out and focused on other things while talking to Victoria. Talking about the nature of time and dropping some koans on the conversation cheered me up pretty decently. Lets hope it sticks.
 

Time for bed.