Blog #95

Last night was kinda nice. Even though I had to wake up early and take a test at 9am (took a bit over an hour) and then have to stay up and then go back to school for a lab practical at 11pm, (took about an hour too) things were good.

I was feeling pretty damn tired all day because I stayed up til like..3am the night before. Bad move, I know. Just haven’t been feeling good anyway, too. So I decided that, after my first test, that I should be nice to myself. So I was, I took myself out to this nice tex-mex resturant that makes some pretty amazing tex-mex. It’s not the traditional mexican I’m used to my family making, but it’s good in it’s own way, I really like it. I got the same waitress that I always seem to get…she’s always really good about when I come in. She knows I’m off in my own world thinking when I’m writing so she’s in and out with very little said other than what’s necessary. I appreciate that quite a bit. Not that I don’t appreciate waiters who talk to you and whatnot, I like those guys too, but I like that some of em know when it’s probably better to shoosh and let a guy think and write (I usually bring my notebook and write when I’m alone). Even when I stopped eating and sat back and just wrote for like…a half hour, she didn’t bother me with a check or anything until I said I was done. She DID bring a box at one point, but she only set it on the table and didn’t say anything…which was awesome. I love waitresses like that. I tipped her 6 or 7 dollars I think…I forget which. I might’ve been 8 actually. I dunno, it was over 33% though. <3 good ppl.

I wrote a poem when I was there. I just got suddenly inspired and I think it came out well. Those ones always come out way better than the ones when you try to push yourself to write something. Well, it’s still not very good, poetry isn’t really my thing. At least, writing it isn’t. I REALLY enjoy hearing good poetry. Not so much reading it, generally….it just has so much more force spoken. I never read poetry, NEVER. I’ll read it out loud to myself if I have to, trying to have the right sort of inflections. It’s amazing that way. So even written poetry I hear, so it’s good times. Anyway, I wrote a poem. I’ll post it here sometime soon, I think. It’s kinda Hrm, like a lot of what I do is Hrm, but I like it. I think I wasn’t built for writing poetry, I really believe that. I’m far better at the paragraph…even though I’m not all that amazing at that either.

Speaking of Hrm though, I think it’s pretty amusing what’s making me tick nowadays though. It used to be my intense feelings of sorrow, aloneness and whatnot that drove me underneath it all, it’s what I used to think about, what I used to be. I really do think that I embodied a sort of misery in a profound sorta way….and it was terrible. Looking at myself now, it’s now where I am anymore. I still relate to it, of course, I spent too long NOT to relate to it, but what’s making me tick is totally different. I focus as much on bettering myself and being happy and smiling as I used to on being just that perfect sort of sorrow, being that perfect vision of a glass reflection of pain. I’m still who I am, though. I still laugh the same, smile the same, enjoy the same things….but I love more (if that’s even possible), I’m happy far more and I feel far stronger than I used to be. Not like a powerful strong, but a confidant strong. Not like a social kinda strong, like being overpowering and aggressive, I’m actually backing down more and more on that aspect of my life, but more of a personal sort of confidant-strong. I really am starting to believe in myself, that I can change myself for the better, that I can change the things in my life that I want to be different and that I can actually reach the things I’m reaching for. I believe in myself and where I’m going…because where else is there for me to go but where I’m supposed to? There just is nowhere else I can go, not as long as I focus on faith and keep conciously remembering and pushing for it…as long as I do that I’m going to go the right way. I’m going to go the right way. So I have very little worries. Just confidence in that.

It’s been showing, too. Remember that guy I wrote about ages back who I got into a fight with in a group project? Probably not, but we did. Got into a little tiff. We talk again now, we worked things out now, and I did it. I mean, it wasn’t recent that I did it, it was a long time ago that we worked that out, but since then, a good 7 months ago, we’ve been friends. That’s really big for me, you know? I’m used to just having enemies and saying hey, screw em. Big deal. I didn’t do that this time, 7 months ago. I tried to be nice and be a friend and now we’ve been friends for 7 months. Hell, he even high-fived me yesterday wishing me good luck on the practical….we’re in different classes now but we see each other walking about every other day and we always shake hands, whether it’s the normal way or the way where you slap your hands together and just use your fingers or the fist-to-fist thing, we ALWAYS show respect. That’s awesome, no? He even calls me brother now, and I him. From damn near enemies to having respect for one another, that’s how it should be. I did pretty good with that. Very different from what I’m used to, to be sure.